Thursday, January 29, 2009


This is my first actually current post! I'm in my fourth semester in school and it has been so hectic. Which isn't to say I don't love it. I thrive on being busy.

Natalie and I have not had much chance to see each other, with us both being so busy. Plus, she is not the type to call all the time and ask to hang out and I feel weird always being the one to do so, so I've left her alone for the most part.

The thing is, though, I feel like we should be spending a lot of time together. Bonding, you know? Well, anyway, so I invited her over tomorrow night to watch the new Emma Smith movie. We'll see how it goes. After all that's happened today, I started this blog, checked out some books on polygamy, chatted with some polygamists, and read some polygamist blogs, I feel so connected and close to her right now and I can't wait to give her a big hug tomorrow and just hold her, my dear future sister wife.

Beginning Part IV

When Kyle left for his mission, he asked me to "write him a letter or two." There was no understanding between us. I had no idea how he felt about me when he left. I was still in love with him. But I had no intentions of waiting for him. While he was on his mission, I wrote him every week. I heard back from him occasionally, but he stopped writing me in February of the same semester that I received my commandment about Emma Smith.

While staying with the friend I mentioned in my last post, a week before school started, I felt like it was finally time to pray about Kyle and what was going to happen when he would return from his mission six months later. And so I prayed, and God let me know that nothing would happen between Kyle and I and that I should stop writing to him. It was then that I felt the words, "You will marry Andrew. You are to be his plural wife."

After all I'd been through, this did not scare me so much as it thrilled me. I was so happy. I couldn't wait to talk to Andrew and his wife and Natalie and share in the joy of it all. I was ready to be different, I was ready to be elect, I was ready to be strong. I soaked it all in. I bought a gold band that I now wear on my ring finger, just like Natalie, and I resolved to stop dating. When I left for school, at first, my calling was all I could think about and I was filled with joy at the thought of it. When I had bad days, that was what kept me going. Over time, though, this euphoria wore off and I began to be very very scared. I would see pictures of Andrew on my computer and I would get this sick feeling in my stomach. After a while I just tried not to think about it.

Then I noticed on Natalie's facebook that she had a boyfriend. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has freaked out about anything as much as I freaked out about that. What on earth was going on!?!?! What was I to do?!? I had no idea what to do or where to go in my life. I could not talk to Natalie about it because we hadn't spoken in months and I knew it would just strain things more between us. I had tried talking Andrew previously and for some reason, he wasn't returning my messages or emails. Natalie's family refused me when I asked to stay for Christmas. No one would talk to me about anything. I felt very alone, confused, and frustrated. But I felt peace from God that all would be well if I just waited it out.

So I did. I forgot about the whole calling thing altogether and just went about my life, being a student, trying to have a normal life, having fun and reaching goals. Natalie talked to me a little on chat when I went home for Christmas break.

When I came back to school, Natalie was in one of my classes and we got to talking. She and I walked to her apartment and she explained to me that she just needed a break. Anyway, after just a few minutes we were back to normal and better than ever and it really looked like we could salvage our friendship after all.

She told me about her boyfriend and how she and Andrew were having major troubles after I left and he finally just told her to forget the whole thing, that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Also that Rebecca was really struggling with it. She called Natalie during that semester and told her she didn't want Natalie in their lives anymore, not to call, or message, or anything, but just to leave her alone. Then a month or so later, she had called just to say that they could still be friends, but she still wanted to bin the whole polygamy thing and that she had been happier than ever now that it was out of her life.

Anyway, so Natalie met this guy and started dating him and they were very serious and looking to get married. It was at this point that I jokingly mentioned how God had told me to marry Andrew. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but Natalie freaked out and changed gears all of a sudden. A few days later, I received a strong conviction again that it was right. And a few days after that, Natalie broke up with her boyfriend. She said she wasn't sure what she was doing at that point, but just going on a mission and then seeing what would happen. She spent the night that night and we had a good long talk about everything and she opened up to me and confided in me. I got to ask her questions and get advice and it was truly beautiful and holy.

As it stands now, I am going through with it. I do not know when I will tell Andrew and Rebecca or what will happen with them. I do not know if I will be living with Natalie again, although I'd really like to. I do not know what Natalie is going to do, other than go on a mission. But I do know that I have been given this commandment and I intend on preparing for it as much as possible before the time arrives. May God help me, and us all.

Beginning Part III

So I went to live with Natalie. As soon as I got there, she introduced me to Andrew and Rebecca, but didn't tell me of her special relationship with them. I got a really good feeling from them when I walked in their home and instantly liked them. I couldn't wait to go back.

That's when it hit me. Natalie was going to practice polygamy with them. I'm not sure how I knew this, it just came to me. Natalie wore a wedding ring, she was opposed to dating, she was obsessed with polygamy, all the talk of being sister wives, etc, it all pointed straight to that. The way she and Andrew looked at each other...I just knew it. Natalie had also mentioned to me that she was in love with someone, but she wouldn't tell me who. Now I knew. I knew it. Well, I wanted to be sure, so I did something really bad.

I read Natalie's journal. And sure enough, there it was. Her commandment to marry Andrew.

I. WAS. HORRIFIED. Imagine knowing someone, or thinking that you know them, you are so close and then you realize: you don't know them at all. There has been this HUGE secret kept from you and you had no idea. And your world shatters. Not only can you not see this person the same anymore, but you can't see your world the same anymore. It is terrifying. I was disgusted. Even though I'd come a long way since the Kyle situation, it is different when you are facing it in real life with a good friend. I was sure she was being deceived. How could this be true?

But I tried praying for her, and I don't know how to explain it other than, it just didn't work. I would pray to Heavenly Father that she wouldn't be deceived, but it didn't feel right. It was like there was this blockage between me and God because I wasn't praying for the right thing.

The truth was, deep down, I knew it wasn't wrong.

And that scared me. To death.

How could God command something like this? How could polygamy be brought back in the Church? If it were brought back, would I have to practice it? Would I be strong enough for that? What if I weren't and I left the Church? And the thought of Natalie having to do something like just filled me with disgust and contempt. The thought of her marrying that awful man Andrew....ugh!!!! I hated him so much!!

I told her that I knew, but I didn't tell her I read her journal. She was devastated and freaked out. To her, this was something so incredibly sacred and divine and there I was trampling it like a jerk. In retrospect, I understand exactly how she felt. At the time, I had no idea. I just knew that I wished I'd never come to live with her; I wished I'd never met Andrew and Rebecca, I wish I'd never found out. It was a very dark time for me because I was struggling with what was right and wrong, possible leaving the Church, not knowing who I could go to because I would be betraying Natalie's privacy if I talked to anyone else about it, but she didn't want to talk about it and besides I didn't want to talk to her about it! I wanted to talk to someone who had nothing to do with it, to tell me I was just being deceived and this was all so, so completely wrong.

I didn't go to anyone about it except for my branch president and I kept everyone's identity anonymous. Surprisingly, even though he told me what I wanted to hear, that they were all being deceived, I left that meeting feeling worse than when I'd gone in. I knew it was right. I KNEW.

A few days later, I was home alone and Andrew came by to drop off something for Natalie's family. Out on the porch he started asking me friendly questions about my religious background and my conversion story and we had a very long spiritual conversation. At the beginning of it, I was filled with contention and feelings of hatred for the man I thought of as a pig, but by the end of it, I admired him and longed to talk to him more. His wife kept calling over and over again and it seemed she wasn't happy he was taking so long. She finally showed up and forced him to end the conversation and go home.

I was so torn.

The rest of the summer, we didn't really talk about it. We went over to their house a lot and helped out with all their kids and it was wonderful each time to be there, and I felt so full, but at the same time so scared. Towards the end of the summer, I started to feel really uneasy about going over there and stopped going completely. Natalie and I had been fighting a lot as well and I was pretty sure I had lost a friend. I didn't think I'd see either of them again.

When I moved out, I lived with a different friend for a week before going back to school. And it was then and there that I received the revelation that I, too, would marry Andrew.

Beginning Part II

My next exposure to polygamy came a year and a half later while I was at college. Kyle and I broke up while he was at BYU and I stayed home. He is on his mission now. More on him later.

While I was in my second semester at the college I'm attending, I felt really inspired to learn more about Emma Smith and to gather all the information I could about her and then emulate her. As I was doing this I was praying about it one time I just asked, "Why am I supposed to learn so much about her?" And God told me it was because I would live the kind of life she did.

While learning about Emma, reading books and biographies about her, polygamy was of course always at the back of my mind. I knew that she had severe trouble with it, constantly going back and forth on her acceptance of it. I remember thinking how terribly difficult it must have been for her to know that her husband was doing what he was doing, always paranoid and watching other women with a wary eye, always jealous. I thanked God I didn't and wouldn't ever have to practice it in this life.

But there was something else in me, something that almost longed for it. This sort of sick fascination that was developing inside of me. I eventually found myself in support of polygamy as it was commanded by God and directed by the Church. My roommates hated it and tried to avoid the subject when I brought it up.

This was the semester I met Natalie. The first time I saw her I knew there was something special about her. I didn't know what it was, but I did know that I'd known her before. I felt like she was a long lost friend that I'd finally found again. Later, I came to realize that we were friends, in the pre-mortal existence. Natalie was the first person I'd met who was just as gung ho about polygamy as I was. She had a book on it and had studied it as well. And I thought that was all there was to it.

Natalie and I grew very close and when I went home for the summer, we chatted quite frequently. She kept mentioning things like "Felicity, I want us to be together forever. We should marry the same man." She said it in a way that she knew I would think she wasn't serious. But it really struck me. I did want to marry the same man. And there was this part of me that was sure it would be possible some day. I didn't officially receive revelation, but I too had a feeling that Natalie and I should be together forever.

She invited me to live with her for the summer. And that is where I will end part II.

Beginning Part I

My first exposure to polygamy was when I joined the Church. I was 18 years old and dating this wonderful guy named Kyle. Kyle was a very upright, valiant, laid-back, funny guy who was preparing for a mission at the time. We had been dating for about two months, and by this time were discussing getting married when he returned from his mission, and I half jokingly mentioned to him that if I ever died, I didn't want him to get resealed to another woman. I thought that he would tell me of course he would never do that, but he paused and then said "I can't promise you anything." He then went on to explain that it wouldn't be right to deny the woman he married the priesthood. I was horrified.

The thing some ways polygamy in and of itself makes no sense to me. I do not understand why it is such a great, glorious, eternal principle. But when I try to justify my reasons for hating it, I can't. There are no justifiable reasons for disliking the practice. The only real reason I could come up with was that it made me jealous. Of course I don't want to share my husband with anyone in eternity and if I am alive, I don't want my husband sleeping with anyone else! Jealousy is not a good enough reason to refuse to practice polygamy. But it is the only reason I can come up with.

I shunned Kyle for a while. One day while I was at work, I pondered the situation in depth. I rolled it around and around in my mind until there just wasn't anything to think about it anymore. At the beginning of the day, I was ready to not only break up with Kyle, but bash his head in. By the end of the day, I accepted it. It was like an invisible switch was flipped and I found myself filled with love for Kyle and support for him to do what he knew was right. I had no idea where this feeling was coming from, but it was there.

The next day, I went over to his house and told him what had happened. When I had finished the story, Kyle gasped and told me that he had been fasting for me. He told me he had ended it about 9:00 that night, which was when my emotions changed. I not only gained a testimony in polygamy but also in fasting. How marvelous was this occurrence.

No title

This blog is going to chronicle the journey I have taken and will take on my road to becoming a polygamist.

I'll give you a little background: I am 2o years old and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would first like to make it clear that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not practice polygamy here on the Earth today. The Church did practice it in its earlier years, in the 19th century, but now anyone wanting to join the Church must not be in a polygamous relationship and members who enter into one are excommunicated, which is the most severe punishment the Church can give. Groups like the FLDS, while they claim to be affiliated with our Church, in reality are not. They claim to believe what we believe, but they contradict themselves because currently the Church teaches that polygamy should not currently be practiced on the Earth. I say on the Earth because it is still practiced in heaven. A living man who is sealed to a woman who dies, can be sealed to another woman.

So what, then, is this blog about? This: I have received revelation from God that I am to enter into a polygamous relationship some time in the future. I would never ever practice it unless it was brought back into the Church, because I feel that that would be wrong. Therefore, because I know one day I will practice it, I know the Church will bring it back on the Earth. I have no idea why or when it will be brought back. I only know that it will be.

The man I am to marry is named Andrew. He is currently married to a woman named Rebecca. They have a few children together. There is another girl who is going to marry us as well, a close friend of mine named Natalie. Currently, Natalie is the only one on earth who knows of the commandment I have been given. Natalie has told a few people about her situation, her father, two of her sisters (who all approve of it) And Andrew and Rebecca know of the calling. I have not told Andrew and Rebecca yet of my commandment. The only way they could know right now is if they've received their own revelation of it.

I am making this blog in the hopes that it is found by people. I want it to be read. I want to share this story with the world. I highly doubt anyone I actually know will read it. Feel free to leave comments, even if you disagree and think I'm crazy. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. If you are a polygamist yourself, or have studied it, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I just want to anonymously connect with others about this very special part of my life that I feel so unable to share with those I associate with face to face.

I will back up quite a bit and share all the information I remember about how this story unfolded, how I found out about Natalie's situation and then later realized my story would be quite similar. And then when I've caught up, I will continue this as often as I can, sharing my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my discoveries, and, hopefully, my triumphs.