Saturday, October 24, 2009

The beginning of the beginning

Well, I'm here. I'm going to call his place "Springfield." I'm living with Natalie's family, the Cramers. I had first gotten a ride home to the place I've been living for the past three years. On the way home, I could feel the love of the Adlers (Andrew's family) and the Cramers, and as I thought of them thinking of me and waiting for me, I could feel the power of family starting to work its magic. I felt really happy, safe, and excited, and I also felt so strong that I could come back to the church. It was such a good thing.

But then that Sunday night, Baba called me and told me that I would need to live the standards of the church while I was in his home and that he would like me to seriously study and pray about what the truth is and consider coming back to the church. I was lectured by mostly Rebecca on how I needed to let go of my pride, and start treating Natalie with respect (I'd pretty much blown up at her the other day). They all told me that this situation was on their terms and not mine. Basically it completely turned me off and scared me away. I had no desire from that point to live the standards or to even give all their bull shit a chance. But I felt kind of stuck because I had no where to go at that point (I'd been asked to move out) and it was a free place to stay in a city I wanted to be, near a school I wanted to go to. So I decided to do it any way, but with a hardened and indignant heart.

I arrived Monday night, and now when I am with the family, it's as if I've never been parted from them. Natalie arrived the next day (she received a commandment to drop out of school.) She moved over to the Adlers and is staying there, but we got to see each other briefly before then and she told me that I probably wouldn't be going over there because they were not happy with me and it wouldn't be good for me to be in their home if it's going to be awkward and probably have a bad affect on me. I was crushed by this. I came here with the expectation that I would be over there a lot and working with them. And to know that they were even struggling to find love for me caused me to put up a huge wall and consider just throwing in the towel and not even bothering to try anymore.

For the first week, I felt like was getting farther and farther away from the church, and wanting to be in it. When I prayed, or read the scriptures, or went to church, or encountered any kind of church doctrine, it just made me want to leave even more. Sunday morning, I told Natalie that I had made my decision. I would leave the church. I would get an apartment somewhere here in Springfield and go to school and work. Hopefully find a companion of some sort and start my new life free of the trap of mormonism.

But then Sunday night I saw Andrew. And since that is going to be a very long post, I will stop here and continue in a second post.


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