Saturday, October 24, 2009

between the worlds

When I saw Andrew, my heart did leaps and bounds. It was the strangest thing, but my heart soared. I was mostly nervous because I wasn't sure what to do, or how he would act when he saw me, but there was a part of me that felt butterflies. I felt a special kind of connection and attraction I can only barely and inadequately describe in words. It was not the kind of attraction that a person feels when they see someone beautiful or handsome. It was so much more than that. A sort of eternal attraction. Like my spirit recognized her husband. Wow. It caught me off guard and took my breath away. Because of what Natalie had said before, I assumed he wouldn't want to talk to me, so I kind of just ignored him as I walked by. He called out hello and then said something like "What am I, invisible?" He stayed outside talking to Baba for a while, and Natalie and I went inside. Later, Andrew came in to collect all his kids and one of them that I wanted to hug goodbye went out the door and I followed her. Andrew came out too, pulled the door shut behind him so I couldn't go inside and hugged me. It was a real, long, wonderful hug. I never wanted it to end. He kind of let my hand slip through his, and then he was gone. It was a sweet moment.

I wanted, at that moment, to be his wife. But it comes with a price that I was not willing to pay at the time. But it made me consider.

The next day, he came over after work while no one was home. He wanted me to help him make a movie (I do filmography). He told me God had plead with him not to give up on me and that Baba had also told him that I needed him in my life. He told me he had butterflies too when he saw me the night before. We talked about a lot of things and he told me things that made me feel very special. Before he left, he hugged me and it was a really long engulfing hug. As he was leaving, he told me he loved me and blew me a kiss. At that point, I knew our courtship had begun.

He came over the next day as well and we talked a lot more. We held hands and he kissed me on the cheek and the head. He came over yesterday morning before work while I was still laying in bed and just visited with me for a little bit. Then, last night, we drove to the beach and it was literally one of the best experiences of my life. We had dinner together at a chinese restaurant. We talked about so much, about our feelings, about our pasts, about Natalie and how I feel about her, about Rebecca, about the future, so many things. We held hands and hugged, and I sang hymns for him and told him some of my conversion story.

There have a been a lot of things happen that have confirmed to me that Andrew is not a liar, he is not trying to deceive anyone, nor is he being deceived, and that this whole situation is not wrong. So many times I'll be thinking something and he will bring it up. It's like he always knows what to say. And there are so many things in my life, mysteries I've always wondered about, that are starting to fall into place and make sense. Like for instance, I've always felt this connection to Irish music in my soul. It's not just that I like the music, it's that when I listen to it, I feel transported to another realm not of this earth. I've always thought that was weird and wondered why that was the case. I found out last night Andrew is Irish and he wants to live in Ireland. He says he feels the same way about Irish music, that it makes him weep sometime because he misses this place that he's never even been to. We listened to Irish music on our long drive home while he stroked my hair and my face, and it was simply and utterly heavenly.

I'm attracted to him, even though he is in his forties. I love his smile and his eyes and his hands and how strong he is. Most of all, I love the way he smells. These are all my favorite things about a man, the things that, combined, produce the perfect man I've always dreamt of. It's like God made him with these things so I would be attracted to him even though he's so much older than I am. I'm attracted to who he is. It's not that I am sexually attracted to him, I mean there is sexual attraction, but it's so completely different from anything I have ever felt for anyone. It's that I am to be his wife, and that is enough to make me delirious when I think of him. I feel like our love is sacred, and separate. My attraction to his is such as well. It's like I was programmed for him.

Andrew asked Natalie and Rebecca if they would open their hearts to me and let me come over every Monday night for FHE. They said they would. Rebecca and I went to lunch today so we could talk and get to know each other. She asked me how I was doing with the church and I told her. She was so kind and loving, and I feel like things are finally starting to work out. She essentially welcomed me into her home. Natalie texted me and told me she loves me and misses me and is praying for me.

None of this feels wrong, especially after seeing Rebecca today, who was the final missing piece in all of this. I'm just going with the flow. Before, as much as I loved the attention from Andrew, I still couldn't bring myself to even consider the church. But at this point I think I could do it. I still don't believe in it or have the desire to follow the Savior, but I'm closer than I was and making progress, and that's all that counts. Rebecca told me that when she actually takes time to think about her husband having other wives and what the future will specifically mean and the implications of that, she feels nauseous. I told her that when I think of specifically joining the church again and the implications of that, I feel nauseous too. It's cool to know she and I are in the same boat, just about different things. We will both take one step at a time, and eventually we will be where we need to.


At October 26, 2009 at 10:17 AM , Blogger CM said...

I have been reading your blog since you started it. It seems to me that you are really struggling to find yourself and where you want to be.

To clarify a few things -
You belong to the LDS (Mormon) Church, not a Fundamentalist Mormon group - is this correct? If it is, I think in all fairness to the LDS Church that it is important for your readers to understand that although the LDS (Mormon) church, as I understand it, in it's early history once practiced and taught polyamy, it does not any longer teach or accept the practice of polyamy as part of it's religion doctrine today. And in fact any members who do teach it or practice it now face Church discipline and probable excommunication from the LDS Churh - is that correct?

Also, from what I understand about the LDS church, most of it's members would consider Andrew's behavior towards you to be an inappropriate and unacceptable behavior of a married man towards an unmarried woman. Is this also accurate?

If the above is all true, then you really are in a very complicated situation and everything you do has to be done in secret as it goes against the religious teachings of the church you belong too.

So I find myself somewhat confused as to why Andrew and his wife are trying to get you to stay in a church that they themselves seem to have issues with themselves.

I am not saying this to be negative, just trying to understand your situation better. I do really hope God helps you find the answers for your life that you seem to be desperately looking for.


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