Saturday, May 2, 2009

Agency sucks sometimes.

I received a very nice email from a man who said that he and his wife too are LDS and both
have testimonies of the Principle, but are living the teachings of the Church. It was such
a comfort to receive that message and know that I'm not alone. If there are any others like
that, please come forth if you feel comfortable. I want to know who you are.

Yesterday I sent an email to Andrew telling him everything (he didn't know anything about
the revelation I'd received). He wrote me back and was kind, but he said that Rebecca was
just vehemently opposed to it and there was nothing to be done until she accepted it, and
until the Church brought it back. He said there was no sense in thinking or worrying about
it now since we can't do anything about it anyway. Plus he said that Natalie was supposed
to be the second wife and if she won't do it, then he's not sure how it will work out. He
said that last summer was supposed to be a special time in Natalie and Rebecca's lives where
they could really bond, be healed from their past experiences, and Rebecca would finally
come to embrace polygamy. But because I came and was so outspoken against it, he said I
ruined everything. And now it's too late. There's no going back.

Then Natalie called me and she was crying because her dad confronted her about the email I
sent. I didn't realize I would be bringing her into it, but because she is my best friend
and used to be involved in all of this, I guess I did. Anyway she said that all the old
familiar feelings came flooding back and she was just so sad that Rebecca wouldn't accept
it and that the Church still doesn't allow it. She's frustrated that she has to make a
choice and she's so scared that things won't work out with Derek and she'll have to break
up with him again and it will be miserable for her. I feel horrible for what I've done. I
never meant for all of this to happen. I just wasn't ready to receive any of these things
and others suffered because of it.

Then, my Kyle, the man I'm in love with, comes home in June from his mission and I'm
terrified of what might happen with that. I'm so scared that he will still be in love with
me and I will be in the same position Natalie is in- having to choose between Kyle and
Andrew. And then if I choose Andrew I'm going to have to wait I don't know how many years
until plural marriage is brought back and then what if Rebecca still doesn't accept it and
I'm never married because of the choice I made? And after all of this, what if it just
turns out I'm deceived?

Then, to top it all, I'm really wavering in the Church right now. I have testimony and I
do know it's true, but for some reason I've lost all desire to do what's right. I had
plans to start my mission papers, but now I would feel too guilty going on a mission when
I know I'm not living as righteously as I should. I've been so rebellious lately, even
considering leaving the Church and moving to Arizona to live in an FLDS community and just
practice plural marriage on my own because I really, really, really want to live this

Anyway. I'll keep this updated as much as possible. To my readers, thank you for reading.
I'm sorry I'm such a spaz.