Thursday, January 29, 2009

Beginning Part IV

When Kyle left for his mission, he asked me to "write him a letter or two." There was no understanding between us. I had no idea how he felt about me when he left. I was still in love with him. But I had no intentions of waiting for him. While he was on his mission, I wrote him every week. I heard back from him occasionally, but he stopped writing me in February of the same semester that I received my commandment about Emma Smith.

While staying with the friend I mentioned in my last post, a week before school started, I felt like it was finally time to pray about Kyle and what was going to happen when he would return from his mission six months later. And so I prayed, and God let me know that nothing would happen between Kyle and I and that I should stop writing to him. It was then that I felt the words, "You will marry Andrew. You are to be his plural wife."

After all I'd been through, this did not scare me so much as it thrilled me. I was so happy. I couldn't wait to talk to Andrew and his wife and Natalie and share in the joy of it all. I was ready to be different, I was ready to be elect, I was ready to be strong. I soaked it all in. I bought a gold band that I now wear on my ring finger, just like Natalie, and I resolved to stop dating. When I left for school, at first, my calling was all I could think about and I was filled with joy at the thought of it. When I had bad days, that was what kept me going. Over time, though, this euphoria wore off and I began to be very very scared. I would see pictures of Andrew on my computer and I would get this sick feeling in my stomach. After a while I just tried not to think about it.

Then I noticed on Natalie's facebook that she had a boyfriend. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has freaked out about anything as much as I freaked out about that. What on earth was going on!?!?! What was I to do?!? I had no idea what to do or where to go in my life. I could not talk to Natalie about it because we hadn't spoken in months and I knew it would just strain things more between us. I had tried talking Andrew previously and for some reason, he wasn't returning my messages or emails. Natalie's family refused me when I asked to stay for Christmas. No one would talk to me about anything. I felt very alone, confused, and frustrated. But I felt peace from God that all would be well if I just waited it out.

So I did. I forgot about the whole calling thing altogether and just went about my life, being a student, trying to have a normal life, having fun and reaching goals. Natalie talked to me a little on chat when I went home for Christmas break.

When I came back to school, Natalie was in one of my classes and we got to talking. She and I walked to her apartment and she explained to me that she just needed a break. Anyway, after just a few minutes we were back to normal and better than ever and it really looked like we could salvage our friendship after all.

She told me about her boyfriend and how she and Andrew were having major troubles after I left and he finally just told her to forget the whole thing, that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Also that Rebecca was really struggling with it. She called Natalie during that semester and told her she didn't want Natalie in their lives anymore, not to call, or message, or anything, but just to leave her alone. Then a month or so later, she had called just to say that they could still be friends, but she still wanted to bin the whole polygamy thing and that she had been happier than ever now that it was out of her life.

Anyway, so Natalie met this guy and started dating him and they were very serious and looking to get married. It was at this point that I jokingly mentioned how God had told me to marry Andrew. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but Natalie freaked out and changed gears all of a sudden. A few days later, I received a strong conviction again that it was right. And a few days after that, Natalie broke up with her boyfriend. She said she wasn't sure what she was doing at that point, but just going on a mission and then seeing what would happen. She spent the night that night and we had a good long talk about everything and she opened up to me and confided in me. I got to ask her questions and get advice and it was truly beautiful and holy.

As it stands now, I am going through with it. I do not know when I will tell Andrew and Rebecca or what will happen with them. I do not know if I will be living with Natalie again, although I'd really like to. I do not know what Natalie is going to do, other than go on a mission. But I do know that I have been given this commandment and I intend on preparing for it as much as possible before the time arrives. May God help me, and us all.


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