Friday, October 9, 2009

...the rest is silence.

*If you haven't read all of my posts up to now, to get a full appreciation for this post, I would suggest doing so.

It looks like I will be continuing this blog after all.

Andrew and Rebecca asked me to stay in the church. Not only that, but Rebecca prayed about me being Andrew's wife, and she said she knew it was true. She practically begged me to accept being in her family and to stay in the church, with the help of her and her husband. This is a huge deal because Rebecca has hated this principle with all her heart. It is so hard for her. So for HER to be the one to say these things means so much. Andrew asked me to just give them a year. A year to get back on my feet, try to gain a testimony of gospel principles, to be loved and nurtured and taught by them. And if, after a year, I still don't believe, I can let it go. I was pretty wishy washy in giving them a response because

1. I'm almost positive I will not come back to the church. I know anything is possible, and if there's anything I've learned through all of this it's to expect nothing. Anything could happen. But, I've seen the pattern in my life these past three years I've been in the church, and I know where I'm headed: apostasy. I don't want to let them down. It's not a risk worth taking.

2. I cannot see myself sitting through church day after day, saying prayers I don't believe in, reading scriptures I am opposed to.

3. A year is a freaking long time. I cannot make that kind of commitment.

They told me that the risk IS worth taking and I will be letting them down by NOT taking them up on the offer. So I reluctantly agreed. But then the next day, I woke up and I was pissed off that they had talked me into it. WHY would I continue to live standards I don't believe in, and try to be apart of a religion I just don't accept?! It's pure stupidity! I shouldn't have to! I refuse! So I decided I was just going back to my original plan of getting an apartment somewhere and living my own life without all of this, and them.

Then that day, Natalie's dad (I call him Baba) called me and offered for me to come live with his family. Um. Wow. Seriously? Is this some sick joke God is playing on me? The irony is absolutely nauseating. This would have been really fucking great a year ago. That's what I've wanted for so long. It's too late now. Now, it's so meaningless. So utterly hollow and void. I don't want their family and all the bullshit about church that comes with it. All my dreams are coming true, but they aren't my dreams anymore. I am left not knowing what my dreams are and what I even want out of life.

I explained to Baba how I'd changed, and the lifestyle I was living. I told him that I was not planning on changing this. He was kind about it and told me that while he might not like what I am doing, he will respect it and leave my choices up to me. He would like me to go to church and live the standards, but he won't force me.

So I'm going to do it. They live in my favorite city in the world, where I can go to school at my favorite school in the world. I will have somewhere free to live, and a family with whom I can be open and honest, and I can live the life I want.

I called Natalie yesterday and she was really mad about both me coming to live with her family and me being apart of Andrew's family. This severely turned me off to the whole situation and made me want to run from it like mad. I thought all of this would bring us closer together, but instead it is driving us apart. Before I knew about any of this, she would tell me all the time that she wanted us to be together forever, in the same family, married to the same man. And now that it's actually happening, she hates it. It pisses me off.

I hate this. It's bringing everyone pain and it's stupid. I have cried so much in the last four days, it's ridiculous. Everyone is doing it because they believe in it...but me? I don't believe in any of this shit.

But it doesn't change anything. I'm doing this, if for no other reason, than because of the immortal words that ring in my head: "Never refuse an experience."


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