Companionship

I don't remember if I ever talked about this, but when I first told Natalie about my calling, she was so excited because Andrew had told her about me without her realizing it. Andrew had prophesied that I would come along, before either of them knew me. He knew my tribe, my ancestry, things about how I looked, and that she would meet me at BYU. It just never registered when she met me.

But she told me that Andrew had said God would put me here to be a companion to her in ways that neither he nor Rebecca could be. I would be there to sustain her in the lonely times she was at school and away from the family. However, things never quite worked out right. When I first told her about the calling, she had decided not to do it, so I was left all alone in this. And then when she came to her senses and when the Adlers finally accepted me, she was upset for reasons I still don't feel like going into. The point is that I had hoped this would bring us so much closer together and when it turned out not to, I felt hurt and confused.

But she came over last night, and I told her about the personal relationship I had started developing with Andrew. She has the same kind of relationship and we both have to keep it from Rebecca, so we truly are in the same boat. It was so cool to be able to relate to her in that way. Now she finally has someone to be girly with and talk to. And not only that, but together, we can scheme and try to figure out ways to find time alone with Andrew because it's pretty difficult. I even told her that I would sacrifice some of my time with him so she could have it! That kind of sisterhood is just AWESOME.

And the best part is that if I get baptized again, Andrew wants me to move in with all of them and then Natalie and I can have a "personal relationship" too. Teehee! I finally get the relationship with Natalie I've always wanted, except it will be pure and holy before the Lord. Wonderful.

I just got home from family home evening with them. We carved pumpkins and had minestrone soup and pumpkin pie that Rebecca made. I played with the children, helped everyone out, and Andrew even shot me a few sweet looks when no one was looking. What a beautiful night.

My heart is so full.

Clarifications

I have been getting questions and suggestions that I need to clarify certain things over and over again, even though I feel like I have already made these clarifications in earlier blog posts. However, I guess I haven't made myself clear enough! :)

1. I am apart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (although I have been excommunicated, so I guess technically I am not anymore...). This is the mainstream church, a church that currently prohibits polygamy among its members. If anyone in the church is found to have more than one spouse, they are excommunicated. It simply is not tolerated. (I was not excommunicated for anything to do with polygamy, it was because of an issue entirely separate from when I left the church last summer.)

2. The only reason that any of us believe in polygamy is because we believe that the church will one day bring it back. So, it will be widely practiced by members of the church, without condemnation from our church leaders.

3. At this point in time, Andrew is not practicing polygamy. And all I mean by that is that he is only married to his wife, and he is only having sexual relations with his wife. Yes, Andrew and I have a personal relationship that involves nothing more than kissing and I know you would argue that this is adultery and therefore is polygamy, or just plain wrong. And I wouldn't blame you for thinking this because I thought that for the longest time when I found out about Natalie's personal relationship with Andrew. It sickened me and I considered over and over and over again going straight to Rebecca and telling her what her husband was doing behind her back. But every single time I prayed about it, I just couldn't do it. Natalie told me that she felt horrible at first too, but when she prayed about it, she just felt like it was right. She would tell God over and over again, "I don't want this. I want to serve You more than anything else in the world, so tell me right now, if I need to stop all of this with Andrew and never see Him again, I will. Your will be done." And each time, she felt like God said, "You know what is right. I desire that you develop a relationship with Andrew." I struggled with this for months, and that was mostly because I was not ready to receive this knowledge. It almost destroyed me. But, God is good, and He pulled me out of quicksand I was sinking into, and I eventually came to accept this knowledge. I know that I will have a lot of readers who cannot accept this knowledge, and will spit upon it. And that's why I'm anonymous. I would still love to hear your input though, even if you disagree.

4. None of us disagrees with the church. All three of them (I'm still working on this one) believe that this is Christ's church and the only true church on the earth. None of us believe we are going against the will of God. We believe, fully, that if the prophet knew what we were doing (which by the way, I believe he does), he would approve of it.

Any more questions? :)

between the worlds

When I saw Andrew, my heart did leaps and bounds. It was the strangest thing, but my heart soared. I was mostly nervous because I wasn't sure what to do, or how he would act when he saw me, but there was a part of me that felt butterflies. I felt a special kind of connection and attraction I can only barely and inadequately describe in words. It was not the kind of attraction that a person feels when they see someone beautiful or handsome. It was so much more than that. A sort of eternal attraction. Like my spirit recognized her husband. Wow. It caught me off guard and took my breath away. Because of what Natalie had said before, I assumed he wouldn't want to talk to me, so I kind of just ignored him as I walked by. He called out hello and then said something like "What am I, invisible?" He stayed outside talking to Baba for a while, and Natalie and I went inside. Later, Andrew came in to collect all his kids and one of them that I wanted to hug goodbye went out the door and I followed her. Andrew came out too, pulled the door shut behind him so I couldn't go inside and hugged me. It was a real, long, wonderful hug. I never wanted it to end. He kind of let my hand slip through his, and then he was gone. It was a sweet moment.

I wanted, at that moment, to be his wife. But it comes with a price that I was not willing to pay at the time. But it made me consider.

The next day, he came over after work while no one was home. He wanted me to help him make a movie (I do filmography). He told me God had plead with him not to give up on me and that Baba had also told him that I needed him in my life. He told me he had butterflies too when he saw me the night before. We talked about a lot of things and he told me things that made me feel very special. Before he left, he hugged me and it was a really long engulfing hug. As he was leaving, he told me he loved me and blew me a kiss. At that point, I knew our courtship had begun.

He came over the next day as well and we talked a lot more. We held hands and he kissed me on the cheek and the head. He came over yesterday morning before work while I was still laying in bed and just visited with me for a little bit. Then, last night, we drove to the beach and it was literally one of the best experiences of my life. We had dinner together at a chinese restaurant. We talked about so much, about our feelings, about our pasts, about Natalie and how I feel about her, about Rebecca, about the future, so many things. We held hands and hugged, and I sang hymns for him and told him some of my conversion story.

There have a been a lot of things happen that have confirmed to me that Andrew is not a liar, he is not trying to deceive anyone, nor is he being deceived, and that this whole situation is not wrong. So many times I'll be thinking something and he will bring it up. It's like he always knows what to say. And there are so many things in my life, mysteries I've always wondered about, that are starting to fall into place and make sense. Like for instance, I've always felt this connection to Irish music in my soul. It's not just that I like the music, it's that when I listen to it, I feel transported to another realm not of this earth. I've always thought that was weird and wondered why that was the case. I found out last night Andrew is Irish and he wants to live in Ireland. He says he feels the same way about Irish music, that it makes him weep sometime because he misses this place that he's never even been to. We listened to Irish music on our long drive home while he stroked my hair and my face, and it was simply and utterly heavenly.

I'm attracted to him, even though he is in his forties. I love his smile and his eyes and his hands and how strong he is. Most of all, I love the way he smells. These are all my favorite things about a man, the things that, combined, produce the perfect man I've always dreamt of. It's like God made him with these things so I would be attracted to him even though he's so much older than I am. I'm attracted to who he is. It's not that I am sexually attracted to him, I mean there is sexual attraction, but it's so completely different from anything I have ever felt for anyone. It's that I am to be his wife, and that is enough to make me delirious when I think of him. I feel like our love is sacred, and separate. My attraction to his is such as well. It's like I was programmed for him.

Andrew asked Natalie and Rebecca if they would open their hearts to me and let me come over every Monday night for FHE. They said they would. Rebecca and I went to lunch today so we could talk and get to know each other. She asked me how I was doing with the church and I told her. She was so kind and loving, and I feel like things are finally starting to work out. She essentially welcomed me into her home. Natalie texted me and told me she loves me and misses me and is praying for me.

None of this feels wrong, especially after seeing Rebecca today, who was the final missing piece in all of this. I'm just going with the flow. Before, as much as I loved the attention from Andrew, I still couldn't bring myself to even consider the church. But at this point I think I could do it. I still don't believe in it or have the desire to follow the Savior, but I'm closer than I was and making progress, and that's all that counts. Rebecca told me that when she actually takes time to think about her husband having other wives and what the future will specifically mean and the implications of that, she feels nauseous. I told her that when I think of specifically joining the church again and the implications of that, I feel nauseous too. It's cool to know she and I are in the same boat, just about different things. We will both take one step at a time, and eventually we will be where we need to.

The beginning of the beginning

Well, I'm here. I'm going to call his place "Springfield." I'm living with Natalie's family, the Cramers. I had first gotten a ride home to the place I've been living for the past three years. On the way home, I could feel the love of the Adlers (Andrew's family) and the Cramers, and as I thought of them thinking of me and waiting for me, I could feel the power of family starting to work its magic. I felt really happy, safe, and excited, and I also felt so strong that I could come back to the church. It was such a good thing.

But then that Sunday night, Baba called me and told me that I would need to live the standards of the church while I was in his home and that he would like me to seriously study and pray about what the truth is and consider coming back to the church. I was lectured by mostly Rebecca on how I needed to let go of my pride, and start treating Natalie with respect (I'd pretty much blown up at her the other day). They all told me that this situation was on their terms and not mine. Basically it completely turned me off and scared me away. I had no desire from that point to live the standards or to even give all their bull shit a chance. But I felt kind of stuck because I had no where to go at that point (I'd been asked to move out) and it was a free place to stay in a city I wanted to be, near a school I wanted to go to. So I decided to do it any way, but with a hardened and indignant heart.

I arrived Monday night, and now when I am with the family, it's as if I've never been parted from them. Natalie arrived the next day (she received a commandment to drop out of school.) She moved over to the Adlers and is staying there, but we got to see each other briefly before then and she told me that I probably wouldn't be going over there because they were not happy with me and it wouldn't be good for me to be in their home if it's going to be awkward and probably have a bad affect on me. I was crushed by this. I came here with the expectation that I would be over there a lot and working with them. And to know that they were even struggling to find love for me caused me to put up a huge wall and consider just throwing in the towel and not even bothering to try anymore.

For the first week, I felt like was getting farther and farther away from the church, and wanting to be in it. When I prayed, or read the scriptures, or went to church, or encountered any kind of church doctrine, it just made me want to leave even more. Sunday morning, I told Natalie that I had made my decision. I would leave the church. I would get an apartment somewhere here in Springfield and go to school and work. Hopefully find a companion of some sort and start my new life free of the trap of mormonism.

But then Sunday night I saw Andrew. And since that is going to be a very long post, I will stop here and continue in a second post.

...the rest is silence.

*If you haven't read all of my posts up to now, to get a full appreciation for this post, I would suggest doing so.

It looks like I will be continuing this blog after all.

Andrew and Rebecca asked me to stay in the church. Not only that, but Rebecca prayed about me being Andrew's wife, and she said she knew it was true. She practically begged me to accept being in her family and to stay in the church, with the help of her and her husband. This is a huge deal because Rebecca has hated this principle with all her heart. It is so hard for her. So for HER to be the one to say these things means so much. Andrew asked me to just give them a year. A year to get back on my feet, try to gain a testimony of gospel principles, to be loved and nurtured and taught by them. And if, after a year, I still don't believe, I can let it go. I was pretty wishy washy in giving them a response because

1. I'm almost positive I will not come back to the church. I know anything is possible, and if there's anything I've learned through all of this it's to expect nothing. Anything could happen. But, I've seen the pattern in my life these past three years I've been in the church, and I know where I'm headed: apostasy. I don't want to let them down. It's not a risk worth taking.

2. I cannot see myself sitting through church day after day, saying prayers I don't believe in, reading scriptures I am opposed to.

3. A year is a freaking long time. I cannot make that kind of commitment.

They told me that the risk IS worth taking and I will be letting them down by NOT taking them up on the offer. So I reluctantly agreed. But then the next day, I woke up and I was pissed off that they had talked me into it. WHY would I continue to live standards I don't believe in, and try to be apart of a religion I just don't accept?! It's pure stupidity! I shouldn't have to! I refuse! So I decided I was just going back to my original plan of getting an apartment somewhere and living my own life without all of this, and them.

Then that day, Natalie's dad (I call him Baba) called me and offered for me to come live with his family. Um. Wow. Seriously? Is this some sick joke God is playing on me? The irony is absolutely nauseating. This would have been really fucking great a year ago. That's what I've wanted for so long. It's too late now. Now, it's so meaningless. So utterly hollow and void. I don't want their family and all the bullshit about church that comes with it. All my dreams are coming true, but they aren't my dreams anymore. I am left not knowing what my dreams are and what I even want out of life.

I explained to Baba how I'd changed, and the lifestyle I was living. I told him that I was not planning on changing this. He was kind about it and told me that while he might not like what I am doing, he will respect it and leave my choices up to me. He would like me to go to church and live the standards, but he won't force me.

So I'm going to do it. They live in my favorite city in the world, where I can go to school at my favorite school in the world. I will have somewhere free to live, and a family with whom I can be open and honest, and I can live the life I want.

I called Natalie yesterday and she was really mad about both me coming to live with her family and me being apart of Andrew's family. This severely turned me off to the whole situation and made me want to run from it like mad. I thought all of this would bring us closer together, but instead it is driving us apart. Before I knew about any of this, she would tell me all the time that she wanted us to be together forever, in the same family, married to the same man. And now that it's actually happening, she hates it. It pisses me off.

I hate this. It's bringing everyone pain and it's stupid. I have cried so much in the last four days, it's ridiculous. Everyone is doing it because they believe in it...but me? I don't believe in any of this shit.

But it doesn't change anything. I'm doing this, if for no other reason, than because of the immortal words that ring in my head: "Never refuse an experience."

It is what it is.

I just got expelled from school. The honor code office found out about my excursions last summer, and kicked me out. This happened yesterday.

I was bummed at first, but I've been thinking a lot about it. Rebecca and Andrew called me last night and we had a nice three hour long talk. Basically this is what they said:

1. If I leave the church, I will be miserable.
2. I will end up being a porn star, because is what people do when they leave the church (this was not an exaggerated hypothetical...they really think this will happen).
3. I will sleep around with everyone that will have me.
4. I will never get married, and even if I do, I will hate it.
5. I will get older and realize I've wasted my life.
6. I have a testimony, and I know I have a testimony, and because of that, I will always know that what I'm doing is wrong, the lifestyle I'm living is wrong, and I will never be happy.
6. I either need to decide NOW that I'm going to stay in the church, and make a plan for how I'm going to get back on track, or decide that I'm leaving the church, and stop pretending to be someone I'm not.

That being said, I've decided to leave. Once I actually made that decision, I felt really good. I've been kind of saying an open prayer to God all day and this is what feels right. I'm going to be honest with everyone about what I've really been doing, and what I really believe. I'm going to come clean. I'm going to move out of the house I live in, and move somewhere more liberal, and transfer to a different school. I'm not going to sleep around anymore, and I will still follow a moral code. It's not like I'm throwing all goodness out the window.

So as far as this whole polygamy thing...I dunno. I guess it's over. I will still update this blog, but I guess it will be more about just me as a person. I haven't really decided yet.

I went around today and took pictures of the campus. I will miss this place. It's a good school, and a good religion. I am not angry at the church, nor am I anti-mormon. I will still stand up for it when people say it is a cult. Because now I have been on the other side. I use to think those things too, and now I know the church inside and out. I've seen the beautiful things it has done in peoples' lives and in the world. I just don't think it's true.

Natalie and I had sushi last night and said goodbye. Leaving her will be the hardest.

Wow I have readers!!

Thank you so much to all who have commented and subscribed. I haven't been on in a while, because for a long time I ran from all of this. I wanted to forget it all. It made me nauseous to even think about it. Let me try to explain myself.

Last summer, after the email from Andrew, I went off the deep end. And by that, I mean that I left the church, and completely rejected the idea of polygamy, both in a religious and non religious sense. I also ended up doing a lot of things contrary to the church, such as drugs and alcohol and sleeping around. When I say I did these things, I don't mean to say that they became addictions or got in the way of my life. I chose to do these things and I don't regret it. It was a really, really good summer and I felt happy.

However, I am Mormon, and I go to a church school. In order to stay at this school, I must obey the honor code, which explicitly bans these things. I do not want to be kicked out because 1. I still want to go here for the time being and 2. Even if I decide to transfer, which I am considering, I want to leave on good terms so my credits transfer and I don't look bad to other universities. So, in a nutshell, I am back to living the standards of the Mormon church so I can be at school.

As far as the plural marriage situation. I have news. Big news. When Natalie was home, she and Andrew and Rebecca worked things out and Rebecca came around. She now accepts it, and she and Natalie are getting along. Andrew also told his wife about me. He emailed me a few weeks ago, just to see how I was doing, and we had been corresponding for a while when I got a message from Rebecca telling me that she knew everything and wanted to work with me. She and Andrew knew that I had fallen away from the church (because I told Natalie) and she wants to help me get back on track. So basically, I am not guaranteed a spot in the family like Natalie is, but that is what we are working towards. Everyone has made it quite clear that this is all based on my worthiness and Rebecca's approval since she is the first wife.

I would like to reiterate something. I am doing this for religious reasons. Please don't judge me for this. If you don't agree with that, then I'm going to be frank: go away. I will delete any negative comments about this. I don't care what you think. You have no idea the feelings I have felt and the experiences I have had regarding this whole thing. This is between God and I and the family. Also, I am not FLDS. I know it really sounds like I am and I can understand the confusion this might cause. I am a member of the mainstream Mormon church who believes that (assuming the church is true...which, I don't know if it is, but more on that later...) polygamy will be brought back one day. Also, please don't argue with me about this. If you don't feel this is the case, that's fine, but I don't want to hear about it. So we are NOT practicing polygamy right now. Yes we are talking about it, and we would most likely get in trouble for this if our church leaders found out (which is why I'm remaining anonymous and changing all names) but there is NO romantic relationship between Andrew and Natalie nor Andrew and I. Andrew is faithful to his wife and has not broken any temple covenants.

Now onto something else serious. I consider myself gay. I have been attracted to men before, but on the kinsey scale, I'd say I'm a 4.5 or 5. I guess that's considered "bisexual" but I say gay because if I were to have a monogamous relationship, I would want to be with a girl. Yes, I am in love with Natalie. I have been for over a year. She was in love with me, but says she has since gotten over me. She and I have never done anything physical together. I didn't mention any of this at first because I didn't feel it was relevant. If I do this whole polygamy thing, it will not be because of Natalie; but because I feel it's what God wants. Even if Natalie weren't involved, I would still do it. I am bringing this up only because there have been questions if I am bisexual. So there you have it.

Now, about the whole believing in the church thing: I don't believe in it anymore. I want to, but I just don't. There are so many things about the church I don't agree with. The first and foremost is the church's stance on homosexuality. I understand, logically, why the church is against homosexuality. I get the reasons. But it just doesn't sit well with me. I have prayed for three years to know for myself that what the church teaches on this is true, to gain a personal testimony of it and it has never come. I conclude that there is nothing wrong with it. There are countless other things, but I won't go into it right now.

So what do I believe in? No idea. I'm pretty sure I believe in God. I believe that no religion is completely false and none completely true, at least universally. I do believe that certain people need and just "fit" into certain religions, and some don't fit into any. And I believe that if people stay true to what they believe, they will be fine in the end. And as far as how this fits into the plural marriage situation, I personally will not seek after a polygamous relationship if I decide to stay out of the church and thus not join Andrew's family. I will seek a monogamous relationship with a woman. However, I have a level of appreciation for polygamy (as much as I can without having actually practiced it) and will fight to my death the right for people to practice it and for the legalization of it. I think it's a beautiful thing and if that is what's right for you, then DO IT. Maybe one day I will change my mind and enter into this kind of relationship, but for now it's not what I want. Like I said, I will only do it if it's what God wants.

I've also been criticized for letting myself "be forced" into plural marriage. This is not the case. If I really did not want to do it, I wouldn't. Rebecca did not accept it for a long time and Andrew never pushed her. She came around on her own because she believes in it, not because she was coerced into it. We all have a choice. I have agency (agency, in the church uses it means free will). I will not be condemned by Andrew or anyone else for not doing. He has never told me I have to, or I will be punished for not doing it.

This all probably sounds weird. I probably sound like a hypocrite, or contradictory. It's like, either you believe God wants you to do it, or not, right? Well, somehow, all I know is that by accepting the Mormon church, I know that what I need to do is enter into this relationship with this family. And if I'm not Mormon, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want.

Thanks again to everyone, and I will try to update this as much as possible. I'm back at school and swamped with homework. :/