Wow I have readers!!

Thank you so much to all who have commented and subscribed. I haven't been on in a while, because for a long time I ran from all of this. I wanted to forget it all. It made me nauseous to even think about it. Let me try to explain myself.

Last summer, after the email from Andrew, I went off the deep end. And by that, I mean that I left the church, and completely rejected the idea of polygamy, both in a religious and non religious sense. I also ended up doing a lot of things contrary to the church, such as drugs and alcohol and sleeping around. When I say I did these things, I don't mean to say that they became addictions or got in the way of my life. I chose to do these things and I don't regret it. It was a really, really good summer and I felt happy.

However, I am Mormon, and I go to a church school. In order to stay at this school, I must obey the honor code, which explicitly bans these things. I do not want to be kicked out because 1. I still want to go here for the time being and 2. Even if I decide to transfer, which I am considering, I want to leave on good terms so my credits transfer and I don't look bad to other universities. So, in a nutshell, I am back to living the standards of the Mormon church so I can be at school.

As far as the plural marriage situation. I have news. Big news. When Natalie was home, she and Andrew and Rebecca worked things out and Rebecca came around. She now accepts it, and she and Natalie are getting along. Andrew also told his wife about me. He emailed me a few weeks ago, just to see how I was doing, and we had been corresponding for a while when I got a message from Rebecca telling me that she knew everything and wanted to work with me. She and Andrew knew that I had fallen away from the church (because I told Natalie) and she wants to help me get back on track. So basically, I am not guaranteed a spot in the family like Natalie is, but that is what we are working towards. Everyone has made it quite clear that this is all based on my worthiness and Rebecca's approval since she is the first wife.

I would like to reiterate something. I am doing this for religious reasons. Please don't judge me for this. If you don't agree with that, then I'm going to be frank: go away. I will delete any negative comments about this. I don't care what you think. You have no idea the feelings I have felt and the experiences I have had regarding this whole thing. This is between God and I and the family. Also, I am not FLDS. I know it really sounds like I am and I can understand the confusion this might cause. I am a member of the mainstream Mormon church who believes that (assuming the church is true...which, I don't know if it is, but more on that later...) polygamy will be brought back one day. Also, please don't argue with me about this. If you don't feel this is the case, that's fine, but I don't want to hear about it. So we are NOT practicing polygamy right now. Yes we are talking about it, and we would most likely get in trouble for this if our church leaders found out (which is why I'm remaining anonymous and changing all names) but there is NO romantic relationship between Andrew and Natalie nor Andrew and I. Andrew is faithful to his wife and has not broken any temple covenants.

Now onto something else serious. I consider myself gay. I have been attracted to men before, but on the kinsey scale, I'd say I'm a 4.5 or 5. I guess that's considered "bisexual" but I say gay because if I were to have a monogamous relationship, I would want to be with a girl. Yes, I am in love with Natalie. I have been for over a year. She was in love with me, but says she has since gotten over me. She and I have never done anything physical together. I didn't mention any of this at first because I didn't feel it was relevant. If I do this whole polygamy thing, it will not be because of Natalie; but because I feel it's what God wants. Even if Natalie weren't involved, I would still do it. I am bringing this up only because there have been questions if I am bisexual. So there you have it.

Now, about the whole believing in the church thing: I don't believe in it anymore. I want to, but I just don't. There are so many things about the church I don't agree with. The first and foremost is the church's stance on homosexuality. I understand, logically, why the church is against homosexuality. I get the reasons. But it just doesn't sit well with me. I have prayed for three years to know for myself that what the church teaches on this is true, to gain a personal testimony of it and it has never come. I conclude that there is nothing wrong with it. There are countless other things, but I won't go into it right now.

So what do I believe in? No idea. I'm pretty sure I believe in God. I believe that no religion is completely false and none completely true, at least universally. I do believe that certain people need and just "fit" into certain religions, and some don't fit into any. And I believe that if people stay true to what they believe, they will be fine in the end. And as far as how this fits into the plural marriage situation, I personally will not seek after a polygamous relationship if I decide to stay out of the church and thus not join Andrew's family. I will seek a monogamous relationship with a woman. However, I have a level of appreciation for polygamy (as much as I can without having actually practiced it) and will fight to my death the right for people to practice it and for the legalization of it. I think it's a beautiful thing and if that is what's right for you, then DO IT. Maybe one day I will change my mind and enter into this kind of relationship, but for now it's not what I want. Like I said, I will only do it if it's what God wants.

I've also been criticized for letting myself "be forced" into plural marriage. This is not the case. If I really did not want to do it, I wouldn't. Rebecca did not accept it for a long time and Andrew never pushed her. She came around on her own because she believes in it, not because she was coerced into it. We all have a choice. I have agency (agency, in the church uses it means free will). I will not be condemned by Andrew or anyone else for not doing. He has never told me I have to, or I will be punished for not doing it.

This all probably sounds weird. I probably sound like a hypocrite, or contradictory. It's like, either you believe God wants you to do it, or not, right? Well, somehow, all I know is that by accepting the Mormon church, I know that what I need to do is enter into this relationship with this family. And if I'm not Mormon, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want.

Thanks again to everyone, and I will try to update this as much as possible. I'm back at school and swamped with homework. :/