Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It is what it is.

I just got expelled from school. The honor code office found out about my excursions last summer, and kicked me out. This happened yesterday.

I was bummed at first, but I've been thinking a lot about it. Rebecca and Andrew called me last night and we had a nice three hour long talk. Basically this is what they said:

1. If I leave the church, I will be miserable.
2. I will end up being a porn star, because is what people do when they leave the church (this was not an exaggerated hypothetical...they really think this will happen).
3. I will sleep around with everyone that will have me.
4. I will never get married, and even if I do, I will hate it.
5. I will get older and realize I've wasted my life.
6. I have a testimony, and I know I have a testimony, and because of that, I will always know that what I'm doing is wrong, the lifestyle I'm living is wrong, and I will never be happy.
6. I either need to decide NOW that I'm going to stay in the church, and make a plan for how I'm going to get back on track, or decide that I'm leaving the church, and stop pretending to be someone I'm not.

That being said, I've decided to leave. Once I actually made that decision, I felt really good. I've been kind of saying an open prayer to God all day and this is what feels right. I'm going to be honest with everyone about what I've really been doing, and what I really believe. I'm going to come clean. I'm going to move out of the house I live in, and move somewhere more liberal, and transfer to a different school. I'm not going to sleep around anymore, and I will still follow a moral code. It's not like I'm throwing all goodness out the window.

So as far as this whole polygamy thing...I dunno. I guess it's over. I will still update this blog, but I guess it will be more about just me as a person. I haven't really decided yet.

I went around today and took pictures of the campus. I will miss this place. It's a good school, and a good religion. I am not angry at the church, nor am I anti-mormon. I will still stand up for it when people say it is a cult. Because now I have been on the other side. I use to think those things too, and now I know the church inside and out. I've seen the beautiful things it has done in peoples' lives and in the world. I just don't think it's true.

Natalie and I had sushi last night and said goodbye. Leaving her will be the hardest.


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