Thursday, November 17, 2011

I'm back. Again.

Geez guys I'm so sorry I am terrible about blogging consistently and responding. I just checked my email that I use for this blog and I had over 1,000 messages. But here's some news: I've started going to church again. The LDS church. The lifestyle I have been living for the past two years made me really depressed and empty and lonely. I yearn for joy and to be fulfilled again. For now, I am LDS, because thus far it is the only way I've found that makes me truly happy. And as far as polygamy goes, I'm still all for it!

I've already seen many blessings since I've been back. I started paying tithing and soon thereafter got two jobs which were greatly needed since I am in a lot of debt and my rent is really high.The people in my ward are very kind. I am even planning on moving to the Middle East within a couple of years or so, so I am excited about that.

One thing I know: God is merciful and he provides. I love him.

In peace,

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

the end

Again, so sorry that i haven't been updating this very often. i think i've been avoiding it subconsciously for some reason, in addition to just the fact that i'm lazy and a procrastinator.

I left the church last january. The Cramer family was going to adopt me, then by january i finally realized that I just can't be mormon anymore. I felt like what I was doing was wrong (not the polygamy situation, but being mormon). I felt like I was compromising my personal standards in order to be welcomed into their family and i realized that my moral integrity is more important than anything, and with that comes happiness. I left the church officially, was asked to move out (the adoption was cancelled) I had to "break up" with Andrew and his family, and I moved into a house with roommates and I've been living on my own ever since.

Saying goodbye to Andrew was hard. I loved him, and I still love him. He was very kind about it, and wished me no ill. I missed him terribly for a while, wished it could be another way, and wondered often if I was doing the wrong thing. But through these months I've grown and learned and experienced a lot and realized that my life has gone, and will always go the way it's supposed to. I do believe in God, not in the way that I think most Christians do, but I do believe in a higher power, and in love, and I still believe everything works out for our good. I don't regret anything in my past. Being mormon was absolutely wonderful, and the short time I had with the Spencers was beautiful and sacred and healing. I will never forget them and I wish them peace and happiness. I don't change my views on polygamy; I still think it should be decriminalized and I feel that whether a person wishes to live a monogamous or polyamorous lifestyle is their own choice and not an issue of moral right or wrong.

Natalie has left on a mission for the lds church, and I haven't really been kept up to date as far as her situation with the Adlers, but I heard recently that Rebecca had another baby! I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship with a wonderful man, going to school again, and just completely loving life. For anyone who is reading this, I still would love to talk to any of you, about anything. Maybe it seems futile at this point. But I still "believe" in polygamy and non-monagamous relationships, and I still have a profound amount of respect for the lds church, and other branches of it. The bottom line though is that I'm so unbelievably happy.

Feel free to email me, about anything, at I think I will keep this up as more of a polyamorous blog, but keep in mind that I'm not really "religious" anymore and so the blog will probably take on quite a different tone. But I think all we non-monogamouses should stick together!! :)

Peace and blessings to all of you, and thank you for accompanying me on this strange journey.


Saturday, December 5, 2009

Dark night

Andrew's birthday was recently and I wanted to make it really special for him. I asked him if he could come over for a little bit after work that day, and he said yes. I made him a special dessert and lit a ton of candles and put them on the kitchen table, with a letter I had written for Andrew telling him how much he means to me. When he got there, he read the letter, and then got up and made me stop what I was doing, and hugged me for a long time. He said, "That was a very special letter. Thank you so much." And the way he said it, and how he reacted, I have never felt so appreciated for anything in my life. It was so tender. Then we ate together and it was really nice.

Wow, I love that man. So much.

Things have been a lot harder lately, since our trip. I rarely see Andrew anymore. I texted him and told him I missed him and he said, "This is a very hard time. Much was given the other day, now much is being required." I didn't see him for a few days, and after having seen him almost every day for a while, it nearly killed me! But before FHE, we stopped somewhere to kiss and spend some time together. Then, a few days later we got together again.

I didn't hear from him for a while until I posted something on my facebook that made him really angry and he said some mean things to me about it. But something really good came out of it, and it turns out, Andrew knew that it would and there was a purpose to it.

When he said those things, I was really hurt and I felt really misunderstood by him. He accused me of a lot of things that I felt were really incorrect and unfair. But it turned me to God. God knows me, He knows who I am, and He understands me perfectly. So I got on my knees and prayed and it brought me a lot of comfort. Andrew later told me that my fruit was getting to "wild" and I needed to be pruned. And he was right, because I got closer to God in the process.

But before Andrew and I made up, Monday night came. I didn't want to go to FHE and face them, plus my family was home for the holidays so I wanted to be with them. But I prayed about it and felt like I should go anyway, that God would be there with me. So I went and it was ok. Andrew just ignored me and didn't make eye contact all night. But Rebecca had gone out and bought me a special treat, and that was so sweet. So I'm glad I went.

Then, the other day, I felt a prompting to go to the Adlers, just for the day. So I called up Natalie and asked her if that would be okay. Later I got a call from Rebecca and she said it would be great. So I took the bus and it was a perfect day! Natalie really needed to get some homework done, but Rebecca needed a lot of help around the house and stuff. Then Andrew was able to come home and have some personal time with Natalie.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

One perfect day

Andrew, Natalie and I went back to the city I was living in before to get my stuff. Originally, it was going to be Rebecca taking me there, but I was dreading that. Then Andrew received the revelation that it should be him taking me. He even said he had a vision of Rebecca's newborn dying in the car crash because she did not obey the command of God. But she wouldn't budge. The thought of Andrew being alone with me for an entire day was enough to make her about lose her mind.

Then Natalie had a brilliant idea. She would offer to go with us, to be our "chaperone." Rebecca trusts Natalie, so she said yes. Which is SO ironic because, as you will read later, Andrew and Natalie and me is actually much worse than just Andrew and me, if Rebecca knew what went on.

It was a miraculous day and an absolute gift from God. One of those days where everything goes just perfect. If you prayed for something, it would happen. It was like we all took a swig of Felix Felicis (from Harry Potter) before we left! It was so sweet to be with Andrew and Natalie at the same time, to share precious hours upon hours with them, listening to Celtic music and having deep discussions while enjoying some beautiful scenery. Andrew drove, and Natalie and I both sat in the front seat, me in the middle, snuggling up to Andrew and holding Natalie's hand. I discovered how loving one of them did not diminish the love for the other, but strengthened it. I have made a list of things that made the day really special.

1. We were running out of gas, so I prayed and very soon, we found a place for gas.
2. When we started off, we were listening to Celtic music and it was a little rainy, and as we were driving through a really foresty area, there was mist everywhere. It was really beautiful. I remember feeling like I was in a dream, it was all very surreal and magical.
3. When we got to our destination, we decided we wanted to briefly visit the temple there, so I gave Andrew directions how to get there. Andrew was on the phone with Rebecca and then suddenly, we came over a hill and there was the temple, in the distance. We all kind of gasped and were in awe of it, and of the moment.
4. We stopped at a gas station, and I really wanted chocolate, but didn't say anything. When we all got back in the car, Andrew had bought me some chocolate.
5. I found out that Rebecca's middle name is my favorite name in the whole world, and the name I have been planning on naming my first daughter since I was a little child, AND the name that Natalie wants to name HER first girl. Wow.
6. We took a wrong way and ended up way farther north than we meant to, giving Andrew the opportunity to see wild hoses, which he always wanted to see, and giving up more time together.
7. The lady who I lived with before actually has a lot in common with Andrew, so when we got there, while I was packing my stuff with Natalie, the lady and Andrew stayed in the kitchen and were able to have some great discussion.
8. Packing didn't take that long because the lady had already packed my stuff.
9. We were able to fit everything in the car (no small feat).
1o. When we got to taco bell for a meal, I stayed in the car, and forgot to ask them to get hot sauce for me, but they did.
11. The reason I was in the car was to cry because I was sad to be leaving my former home. We were in kind of a hurry so it would have made more sense to go through the drive through, but somehow Andrew knew I needed to be alone. I cried as much as I needed to before they came back out.
12. On the way back, when we started our journey, the sun was setting and we were heading west, so we were driving into the sunset. It was just like the happy ending of a movie.
15. We listened to Celtic music again at the very end of our trip.
16. Andrew and I had our first kiss! He was kissing me on the cheek and said he couldn't wait until I could take the sacrament again so he could kiss me. I told that I had been taking the sacrament. He looked at me for a few seconds and then just laid one on me! Natalie was on the phone with her dad, so it was really funny because she started fumbling with her words.
17. On the way back, Andrew pulled over and sat between Natalie and me and took turns kissing us. It was awesome. AWESOME. And sometimes while Andrew and I were kissing, or vice versa, Natalie would hold my hand.

This feels so good, and so right.

Monday, November 2, 2009


I'm curious if any of those of you who practice or have practiced polygamy can relate to the dynamics of being with various combinations of those involved in your relationship. Tonight I was just thinking about it as Rebecca drove me home while Natalie was with us. It's a totally different feeling than, say, just me and Rebecca. And I have experienced every possible combination: Andrew and me, Rebecca and me, Natalie and me. Andrew and Rebecca and me, Rebecca and Natalie and me, Andrew and Natalie and me. And all four of us together. I think that is one of the neatest things about polygamy is the variety you get just by hanging out with someone else for a while. With two people...that's all it ever is. Not that that's a bad thing, but I have discovered this new thing about polygamy that I never thought of before, and I'm glad I am able to experience it.

Natalie and I are best friends, so when we're together, I think we act most like a couple. We flirt, but also joke around. Rarely too serious, because even when we are discussing serious things, it feels lighthearted.

Andrew and I are still in the twitterpatey infatuation stage, so that is of course wonderful, but it's quite different from when Natalie and I are together because I barely know Andrew and I'm not completely comfortable around him. Plus, he's so much older than I, so it's tough to relate to him.

When Rebecca and I are together, it's just kind of hard. Our personalities are dramatically different and I don't think she has taken down all the walls between us, so it's usually just a little awkward and strained.

Rebecca+Natalie+me: They are both so close, that they just talk and I listen silently.

Rebecca+Andrew+me: I actually really enjoy this one. Rebecca is a totally different person around Andrew. She comes alive and is so likable. They work so well together. I watched them make dinner together the other night and it was nice to just be there. I'm pretty silent in this situation too.

Andrew+Natalie+me: My favorite so far. Andrew really likes Natalie's relationship with me, he loves us as friends and lovers. Also, we know about each other's relationship with him and he knows we know, so that creates this special and unsaid bond between the three of us.

All four of us: This hasn't really happened yet, because when it's all four of us, it's because we are doing some family thing, so their 8 kids are with us too, and none of them know about this situation, so we can't be open about it. But I think if it were the four of us alone, it would be a very special thing.

Just some thoughts.

Monday, October 26, 2009


I don't remember if I ever talked about this, but when I first told Natalie about my calling, she was so excited because Andrew had told her about me without her realizing it. Andrew had prophesied that I would come along, before either of them knew me. He knew my tribe, my ancestry, things about how I looked, and that she would meet me at BYU. It just never registered when she met me.

But she told me that Andrew had said God would put me here to be a companion to her in ways that neither he nor Rebecca could be. I would be there to sustain her in the lonely times she was at school and away from the family. However, things never quite worked out right. When I first told her about the calling, she had decided not to do it, so I was left all alone in this. And then when she came to her senses and when the Adlers finally accepted me, she was upset for reasons I still don't feel like going into. The point is that I had hoped this would bring us so much closer together and when it turned out not to, I felt hurt and confused.

But she came over last night, and I told her about the personal relationship I had started developing with Andrew. She has the same kind of relationship and we both have to keep it from Rebecca, so we truly are in the same boat. It was so cool to be able to relate to her in that way. Now she finally has someone to be girly with and talk to. And not only that, but together, we can scheme and try to figure out ways to find time alone with Andrew because it's pretty difficult. I even told her that I would sacrifice some of my time with him so she could have it! That kind of sisterhood is just AWESOME.

And the best part is that if I get baptized again, Andrew wants me to move in with all of them and then Natalie and I can have a "personal relationship" too. Teehee! I finally get the relationship with Natalie I've always wanted, except it will be pure and holy before the Lord. Wonderful.

I just got home from family home evening with them. We carved pumpkins and had minestrone soup and pumpkin pie that Rebecca made. I played with the children, helped everyone out, and Andrew even shot me a few sweet looks when no one was looking. What a beautiful night.

My heart is so full.


I have been getting questions and suggestions that I need to clarify certain things over and over again, even though I feel like I have already made these clarifications in earlier blog posts. However, I guess I haven't made myself clear enough! :)

1. I am apart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (although I have been excommunicated, so I guess technically I am not anymore...). This is the mainstream church, a church that currently prohibits polygamy among its members. If anyone in the church is found to have more than one spouse, they are excommunicated. It simply is not tolerated. (I was not excommunicated for anything to do with polygamy, it was because of an issue entirely separate from when I left the church last summer.)

2. The only reason that any of us believe in polygamy is because we believe that the church will one day bring it back. So, it will be widely practiced by members of the church, without condemnation from our church leaders.

3. At this point in time, Andrew is not practicing polygamy. And all I mean by that is that he is only married to his wife, and he is only having sexual relations with his wife. Yes, Andrew and I have a personal relationship that involves nothing more than kissing and I know you would argue that this is adultery and therefore is polygamy, or just plain wrong. And I wouldn't blame you for thinking this because I thought that for the longest time when I found out about Natalie's personal relationship with Andrew. It sickened me and I considered over and over and over again going straight to Rebecca and telling her what her husband was doing behind her back. But every single time I prayed about it, I just couldn't do it. Natalie told me that she felt horrible at first too, but when she prayed about it, she just felt like it was right. She would tell God over and over again, "I don't want this. I want to serve You more than anything else in the world, so tell me right now, if I need to stop all of this with Andrew and never see Him again, I will. Your will be done." And each time, she felt like God said, "You know what is right. I desire that you develop a relationship with Andrew." I struggled with this for months, and that was mostly because I was not ready to receive this knowledge. It almost destroyed me. But, God is good, and He pulled me out of quicksand I was sinking into, and I eventually came to accept this knowledge. I know that I will have a lot of readers who cannot accept this knowledge, and will spit upon it. And that's why I'm anonymous. I would still love to hear your input though, even if you disagree.

4. None of us disagrees with the church. All three of them (I'm still working on this one) believe that this is Christ's church and the only true church on the earth. None of us believe we are going against the will of God. We believe, fully, that if the prophet knew what we were doing (which by the way, I believe he does), he would approve of it.

Any more questions? :)