Saturday, May 2, 2009

Agency sucks sometimes.

I received a very nice email from a man who said that he and his wife too are LDS and both
have testimonies of the Principle, but are living the teachings of the Church. It was such
a comfort to receive that message and know that I'm not alone. If there are any others like
that, please come forth if you feel comfortable. I want to know who you are.

Yesterday I sent an email to Andrew telling him everything (he didn't know anything about
the revelation I'd received). He wrote me back and was kind, but he said that Rebecca was
just vehemently opposed to it and there was nothing to be done until she accepted it, and
until the Church brought it back. He said there was no sense in thinking or worrying about
it now since we can't do anything about it anyway. Plus he said that Natalie was supposed
to be the second wife and if she won't do it, then he's not sure how it will work out. He
said that last summer was supposed to be a special time in Natalie and Rebecca's lives where
they could really bond, be healed from their past experiences, and Rebecca would finally
come to embrace polygamy. But because I came and was so outspoken against it, he said I
ruined everything. And now it's too late. There's no going back.

Then Natalie called me and she was crying because her dad confronted her about the email I
sent. I didn't realize I would be bringing her into it, but because she is my best friend
and used to be involved in all of this, I guess I did. Anyway she said that all the old
familiar feelings came flooding back and she was just so sad that Rebecca wouldn't accept
it and that the Church still doesn't allow it. She's frustrated that she has to make a
choice and she's so scared that things won't work out with Derek and she'll have to break
up with him again and it will be miserable for her. I feel horrible for what I've done. I
never meant for all of this to happen. I just wasn't ready to receive any of these things
and others suffered because of it.

Then, my Kyle, the man I'm in love with, comes home in June from his mission and I'm
terrified of what might happen with that. I'm so scared that he will still be in love with
me and I will be in the same position Natalie is in- having to choose between Kyle and
Andrew. And then if I choose Andrew I'm going to have to wait I don't know how many years
until plural marriage is brought back and then what if Rebecca still doesn't accept it and
I'm never married because of the choice I made? And after all of this, what if it just
turns out I'm deceived?

Then, to top it all, I'm really wavering in the Church right now. I have testimony and I
do know it's true, but for some reason I've lost all desire to do what's right. I had
plans to start my mission papers, but now I would feel too guilty going on a mission when
I know I'm not living as righteously as I should. I've been so rebellious lately, even
considering leaving the Church and moving to Arizona to live in an FLDS community and just
practice plural marriage on my own because I really, really, really want to live this
principle.

Anyway. I'll keep this updated as much as possible. To my readers, thank you for reading.
I'm sorry I'm such a spaz.

11 Comments:

At May 2, 2009 at 9:07 PM , Blogger Big Love over Logic said...

You are not a spaz :) You have a lot going on and a lot of feelings. Believe me I totally understand.... I know I don't know you other than your blog, which I found by accident. But I will keep you in my prayers. Sometimes it's so hard to just put everything in God's hands and see where it leads. I totally get that!

M

 
At May 5, 2009 at 12:15 PM , Blogger duaneh1 said...

Your blog is fascinating, thanks for sharing your thoughts. BTW, you might want to visit "The Plural Life" blog by brooke adams. While I'm not religous nor a polygamist, I absolutely defend your right to live a multiple partner lifestyle. However, there are many many people out there whose goal in life is to harass, hound, and jail all polygamists. Their bigotry and hatred never cease to amaze me, they have took it upon themselves to make your bedroom business their business. Anyway good luck in your quest for a partner and keep us informed.
Ciao!

 
At May 5, 2009 at 12:37 PM , Blogger duaneh1 said...

BTW, I don't know if the FLDS has resources for women who are "escaping" monogamy (LOL!) but I'm sure they can help you. No matter what polyg haters say about them, they are very nice people.

 
At May 18, 2009 at 1:50 PM , Blogger harley said...

Felicity, Im very confused after reading your blog back several months. Who is it your in love with? Sounds like you in love with Natalie. You talk about the young men in your life, but it's Natalie that you are most concerned about, and you talk about her as if your in LOVE with her

 
At May 18, 2009 at 7:48 PM , Blogger duaneh1 said...

Felicity are you bi? If so, there is nothing wrong with being a bi-plural wife, the bible says it is ok. Personally, I think it's a pretty sweet deal for the lucky man! If you are not bi, then please let us know as some readers may get the wrong idea, btw I didn't get the idea you were bi but apparently others have.
In Canada, 2 of Winston Blackmore's spiritual wives are legally married to each other, that is pretty cool I guess.

 
At May 18, 2009 at 7:52 PM , Blogger duaneh1 said...

harley, I think she is very close to natalie and perhaps she would like her and natalie to marry the same man and be sister wives, that doesn't make her bi but even if it did that would be ok.

 
At May 20, 2009 at 1:49 PM , Blogger harley said...

dunaeh where in the bible does it sayits Okay for bi sexuals to marry? You dumb butt!!

 
At May 20, 2009 at 4:28 PM , Blogger duaneh1 said...

Harley, yeah I knew i should have rephrased that, according to John Lester, bi-plural is biblically kosher. He's an expert on Bible subjects, ask Watching aka stamp. BTW, what does "agency" mean?
I assume free agency means free choice, but agency used by itself and in the title of this post?

 
At May 20, 2009 at 4:31 PM , Blogger duaneh1 said...

Where is Felicity anyway? I would sure like to get her input.

 
At June 9, 2009 at 3:45 AM , Blogger Big Love Over Logic said...

Felicity,

I sure hope everything is good with you, can't help but be a little worried... or wondering if you have actually run off to be with the FLDS???

Blessings,
M

 
At October 2, 2009 at 8:23 PM , Blogger Felicity said...

Everyone, I'm so sorry I haven't been on in so long. I had a pretty crazy summer that I will blog about. Thank you all so much for commenting and for reading my blog.

 

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