Plural Joy

I'm back. Again.

2011-11-17T21:12:00.000-08:00

Geez guys I'm so sorry I am terrible about blogging consistently and responding. I just checked my email that I use for this blog and I had over 1,000 messages. But here's some news: I've started going to church again. The LDS church. The lifestyle I have been living for the past two years made me really depressed and empty and lonely. I yearn for joy and to be fulfilled again. For now, I am LDS, because thus far it is the only way I've found that makes me truly happy. And as far as polygamy goes, I'm still all for it!

I've already seen many blessings since I've been back. I started paying tithing and soon thereafter got two jobs which were greatly needed since I am in a lot of debt and my rent is really high.The people in my ward are very kind. I am even planning on moving to the Middle East within a couple of years or so, so I am excited about that.

One thing I know: God is merciful and he provides. I love him.

In peace,
Felicity

the end

2010-09-07T22:31:00.000-07:00

Again, so sorry that i haven't been updating this very often. i think i've been avoiding it subconsciously for some reason, in addition to just the fact that i'm lazy and a procrastinator.

I left the church last january. The Cramer family was going to adopt me, then by january i finally realized that I just can't be mormon anymore. I felt like what I was doing was wrong (not the polygamy situation, but being mormon). I felt like I was compromising my personal standards in order to be welcomed into their family and i realized that my moral integrity is more important than anything, and with that comes happiness. I left the church officially, was asked to move out (the adoption was cancelled) I had to "break up" with Andrew and his family, and I moved into a house with roommates and I've been living on my own ever since.

Saying goodbye to Andrew was hard. I loved him, and I still love him. He was very kind about it, and wished me no ill. I missed him terribly for a while, wished it could be another way, and wondered often if I was doing the wrong thing. But through these months I've grown and learned and experienced a lot and realized that my life has gone, and will always go the way it's supposed to. I do believe in God, not in the way that I think most Christians do, but I do believe in a higher power, and in love, and I still believe everything works out for our good. I don't regret anything in my past. Being mormon was absolutely wonderful, and the short time I had with the Spencers was beautiful and sacred and healing. I will never forget them and I wish them peace and happiness. I don't change my views on polygamy; I still think it should be decriminalized and I feel that whether a person wishes to live a monogamous or polyamorous lifestyle is their own choice and not an issue of moral right or wrong.

Natalie has left on a mission for the lds church, and I haven't really been kept up to date as far as her situation with the Adlers, but I heard recently that Rebecca had another baby! I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship with a wonderful man, going to school again, and just completely loving life. For anyone who is reading this, I still would love to talk to any of you, about anything. Maybe it seems futile at this point. But I still "believe" in polygamy and non-monagamous relationships, and I still have a profound amount of respect for the lds church, and other branches of it. The bottom line though is that I'm so unbelievably happy.

Feel free to email me, about anything, at pluraljoy@yahoo.com. I think I will keep this up as more of a polyamorous blog, but keep in mind that I'm not really "religious" anymore and so the blog will probably take on quite a different tone. But I think all we non-monogamouses should stick together!! :)

Peace and blessings to all of you, and thank you for accompanying me on this strange journey.

Felicity

Dark night

2009-12-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

Andrew's birthday was recently and I wanted to make it really special for him. I asked him if he could come over for a little bit after work that day, and he said yes. I made him a special dessert and lit a ton of candles and put them on the kitchen table, with a letter I had written for Andrew telling him how much he means to me. When he got there, he read the letter, and then got up and made me stop what I was doing, and hugged me for a long time. He said, "That was a very special letter. Thank you so much." And the way he said it, and how he reacted, I have never felt so appreciated for anything in my life. It was so tender. Then we ate together and it was really nice.

Wow, I love that man. So much.

Things have been a lot harder lately, since our trip. I rarely see Andrew anymore. I texted him and told him I missed him and he said, "This is a very hard time. Much was given the other day, now much is being required." I didn't see him for a few days, and after having seen him almost every day for a while, it nearly killed me! But before FHE, we stopped somewhere to kiss and spend some time together. Then, a few days later we got together again.

I didn't hear from him for a while until I posted something on my facebook that made him really angry and he said some mean things to me about it. But something really good came out of it, and it turns out, Andrew knew that it would and there was a purpose to it.

When he said those things, I was really hurt and I felt really misunderstood by him. He accused me of a lot of things that I felt were really incorrect and unfair. But it turned me to God. God knows me, He knows who I am, and He understands me perfectly. So I got on my knees and prayed and it brought me a lot of comfort. Andrew later told me that my fruit was getting to "wild" and I needed to be pruned. And he was right, because I got closer to God in the process.

But before Andrew and I made up, Monday night came. I didn't want to go to FHE and face them, plus my family was home for the holidays so I wanted to be with them. But I prayed about it and felt like I should go anyway, that God would be there with me. So I went and it was ok. Andrew just ignored me and didn't make eye contact all night. But Rebecca had gone out and bought me a special treat, and that was so sweet. So I'm glad I went.

Then, the other day, I felt a prompting to go to the Adlers, just for the day. So I called up Natalie and asked her if that would be okay. Later I got a call from Rebecca and she said it would be great. So I took the bus and it was a perfect day! Natalie really needed to get some homework done, but Rebecca needed a lot of help around the house and stuff. Then Andrew was able to come home and have some personal time with Natalie.

One perfect day

2009-11-15T14:52:00.000-08:00

Andrew, Natalie and I went back to the city I was living in before to get my stuff. Originally, it was going to be Rebecca taking me there, but I was dreading that. Then Andrew received the revelation that it should be him taking me. He even said he had a vision of Rebecca's newborn dying in the car crash because she did not obey the command of God. But she wouldn't budge. The thought of Andrew being alone with me for an entire day was enough to make her about lose her mind.

Then Natalie had a brilliant idea. She would offer to go with us, to be our "chaperone." Rebecca trusts Natalie, so she said yes. Which is SO ironic because, as you will read later, Andrew and Natalie and me is actually much worse than just Andrew and me, if Rebecca knew what went on.

It was a miraculous day and an absolute gift from God. One of those days where everything goes just perfect. If you prayed for something, it would happen. It was like we all took a swig of Felix Felicis (from Harry Potter) before we left! It was so sweet to be with Andrew and Natalie at the same time, to share precious hours upon hours with them, listening to Celtic music and having deep discussions while enjoying some beautiful scenery. Andrew drove, and Natalie and I both sat in the front seat, me in the middle, snuggling up to Andrew and holding Natalie's hand. I discovered how loving one of them did not diminish the love for the other, but strengthened it. I have made a list of things that made the day really special.

1. We were running out of gas, so I prayed and very soon, we found a place for gas.
2. When we started off, we were listening to Celtic music and it was a little rainy, and as we were driving through a really foresty area, there was mist everywhere. It was really beautiful. I remember feeling like I was in a dream, it was all very surreal and magical.
3. When we got to our destination, we decided we wanted to briefly visit the temple there, so I gave Andrew directions how to get there. Andrew was on the phone with Rebecca and then suddenly, we came over a hill and there was the temple, in the distance. We all kind of gasped and were in awe of it, and of the moment.
4. We stopped at a gas station, and I really wanted chocolate, but didn't say anything. When we all got back in the car, Andrew had bought me some chocolate.
5. I found out that Rebecca's middle name is my favorite name in the whole world, and the name I have been planning on naming my first daughter since I was a little child, AND the name that Natalie wants to name HER first girl. Wow.
6. We took a wrong way and ended up way farther north than we meant to, giving Andrew the opportunity to see wild hoses, which he always wanted to see, and giving up more time together.
7. The lady who I lived with before actually has a lot in common with Andrew, so when we got there, while I was packing my stuff with Natalie, the lady and Andrew stayed in the kitchen and were able to have some great discussion.
8. Packing didn't take that long because the lady had already packed my stuff.
9. We were able to fit everything in the car (no small feat).
1o. When we got to taco bell for a meal, I stayed in the car, and forgot to ask them to get hot sauce for me, but they did.
11. The reason I was in the car was to cry because I was sad to be leaving my former home. We were in kind of a hurry so it would have made more sense to go through the drive through, but somehow Andrew knew I needed to be alone. I cried as much as I needed to before they came back out.
12. On the way back, when we started our journey, the sun was setting and we were heading west, so we were driving into the sunset. It was just like the happy ending of a movie.
15. We listened to Celtic music again at the very end of our trip.
16. Andrew and I had our first kiss! He was kissing me on the cheek and said he couldn't wait until I could take the sacrament again so he could kiss me. I told that I had been taking the sacrament. He looked at me for a few seconds and then just laid one on me! Natalie was on the phone with her dad, so it was really funny because she started fumbling with her words.
17. On the way back, Andrew pulled over and sat between Natalie and me and took turns kissing us. It was awesome. AWESOME. And sometimes while Andrew and I were kissing, or vice versa, Natalie would hold my hand.

This feels so good, and so right.

Dynamics

2009-11-02T22:26:00.000-08:00

I'm curious if any of those of you who practice or have practiced polygamy can relate to the dynamics of being with various combinations of those involved in your relationship. Tonight I was just thinking about it as Rebecca drove me home while Natalie was with us. It's a totally different feeling than, say, just me and Rebecca. And I have experienced every possible combination: Andrew and me, Rebecca and me, Natalie and me. Andrew and Rebecca and me, Rebecca and Natalie and me, Andrew and Natalie and me. And all four of us together. I think that is one of the neatest things about polygamy is the variety you get just by hanging out with someone else for a while. With two people...that's all it ever is. Not that that's a bad thing, but I have discovered this new thing about polygamy that I never thought of before, and I'm glad I am able to experience it.

Natalie and I are best friends, so when we're together, I think we act most like a couple. We flirt, but also joke around. Rarely too serious, because even when we are discussing serious things, it feels lighthearted.

Andrew and I are still in the twitterpatey infatuation stage, so that is of course wonderful, but it's quite different from when Natalie and I are together because I barely know Andrew and I'm not completely comfortable around him. Plus, he's so much older than I, so it's tough to relate to him.

When Rebecca and I are together, it's just kind of hard. Our personalities are dramatically different and I don't think she has taken down all the walls between us, so it's usually just a little awkward and strained.

Rebecca+Natalie+me: They are both so close, that they just talk and I listen silently.

Rebecca+Andrew+me: I actually really enjoy this one. Rebecca is a totally different person around Andrew. She comes alive and is so likable. They work so well together. I watched them make dinner together the other night and it was nice to just be there. I'm pretty silent in this situation too.

Andrew+Natalie+me: My favorite so far. Andrew really likes Natalie's relationship with me, he loves us as friends and lovers. Also, we know about each other's relationship with him and he knows we know, so that creates this special and unsaid bond between the three of us.

All four of us: This hasn't really happened yet, because when it's all four of us, it's because we are doing some family thing, so their 8 kids are with us too, and none of them know about this situation, so we can't be open about it. But I think if it were the four of us alone, it would be a very special thing.

Just some thoughts.

Companionship

2009-10-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

I don't remember if I ever talked about this, but when I first told Natalie about my calling, she was so excited because Andrew had told her about me without her realizing it. Andrew had prophesied that I would come along, before either of them knew me. He knew my tribe, my ancestry, things about how I looked, and that she would meet me at BYU. It just never registered when she met me.

But she told me that Andrew had said God would put me here to be a companion to her in ways that neither he nor Rebecca could be. I would be there to sustain her in the lonely times she was at school and away from the family. However, things never quite worked out right. When I first told her about the calling, she had decided not to do it, so I was left all alone in this. And then when she came to her senses and when the Adlers finally accepted me, she was upset for reasons I still don't feel like going into. The point is that I had hoped this would bring us so much closer together and when it turned out not to, I felt hurt and confused.

But she came over last night, and I told her about the personal relationship I had started developing with Andrew. She has the same kind of relationship and we both have to keep it from Rebecca, so we truly are in the same boat. It was so cool to be able to relate to her in that way. Now she finally has someone to be girly with and talk to. And not only that, but together, we can scheme and try to figure out ways to find time alone with Andrew because it's pretty difficult. I even told her that I would sacrifice some of my time with him so she could have it! That kind of sisterhood is just AWESOME.

And the best part is that if I get baptized again, Andrew wants me to move in with all of them and then Natalie and I can have a "personal relationship" too. Teehee! I finally get the relationship with Natalie I've always wanted, except it will be pure and holy before the Lord. Wonderful.

I just got home from family home evening with them. We carved pumpkins and had minestrone soup and pumpkin pie that Rebecca made. I played with the children, helped everyone out, and Andrew even shot me a few sweet looks when no one was looking. What a beautiful night.

My heart is so full.

Clarifications

2009-10-26T11:39:00.001-07:00

I have been getting questions and suggestions that I need to clarify certain things over and over again, even though I feel like I have already made these clarifications in earlier blog posts. However, I guess I haven't made myself clear enough! :)

1. I am apart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (although I have been excommunicated, so I guess technically I am not anymore...). This is the mainstream church, a church that currently prohibits polygamy among its members. If anyone in the church is found to have more than one spouse, they are excommunicated. It simply is not tolerated. (I was not excommunicated for anything to do with polygamy, it was because of an issue entirely separate from when I left the church last summer.)

2. The only reason that any of us believe in polygamy is because we believe that the church will one day bring it back. So, it will be widely practiced by members of the church, without condemnation from our church leaders.

3. At this point in time, Andrew is not practicing polygamy. And all I mean by that is that he is only married to his wife, and he is only having sexual relations with his wife. Yes, Andrew and I have a personal relationship that involves nothing more than kissing and I know you would argue that this is adultery and therefore is polygamy, or just plain wrong. And I wouldn't blame you for thinking this because I thought that for the longest time when I found out about Natalie's personal relationship with Andrew. It sickened me and I considered over and over and over again going straight to Rebecca and telling her what her husband was doing behind her back. But every single time I prayed about it, I just couldn't do it. Natalie told me that she felt horrible at first too, but when she prayed about it, she just felt like it was right. She would tell God over and over again, "I don't want this. I want to serve You more than anything else in the world, so tell me right now, if I need to stop all of this with Andrew and never see Him again, I will. Your will be done." And each time, she felt like God said, "You know what is right. I desire that you develop a relationship with Andrew." I struggled with this for months, and that was mostly because I was not ready to receive this knowledge. It almost destroyed me. But, God is good, and He pulled me out of quicksand I was sinking into, and I eventually came to accept this knowledge. I know that I will have a lot of readers who cannot accept this knowledge, and will spit upon it. And that's why I'm anonymous. I would still love to hear your input though, even if you disagree.

4. None of us disagrees with the church. All three of them (I'm still working on this one) believe that this is Christ's church and the only true church on the earth. None of us believe we are going against the will of God. We believe, fully, that if the prophet knew what we were doing (which by the way, I believe he does), he would approve of it.

Any more questions? :)

between the worlds

2009-10-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

When I saw Andrew, my heart did leaps and bounds. It was the strangest thing, but my heart soared. I was mostly nervous because I wasn't sure what to do, or how he would act when he saw me, but there was a part of me that felt butterflies. I felt a special kind of connection and attraction I can only barely and inadequately describe in words. It was not the kind of attraction that a person feels when they see someone beautiful or handsome. It was so much more than that. A sort of eternal attraction. Like my spirit recognized her husband. Wow. It caught me off guard and took my breath away. Because of what Natalie had said before, I assumed he wouldn't want to talk to me, so I kind of just ignored him as I walked by. He called out hello and then said something like "What am I, invisible?" He stayed outside talking to Baba for a while, and Natalie and I went inside. Later, Andrew came in to collect all his kids and one of them that I wanted to hug goodbye went out the door and I followed her. Andrew came out too, pulled the door shut behind him so I couldn't go inside and hugged me. It was a real, long, wonderful hug. I never wanted it to end. He kind of let my hand slip through his, and then he was gone. It was a sweet moment.

I wanted, at that moment, to be his wife. But it comes with a price that I was not willing to pay at the time. But it made me consider.

The next day, he came over after work while no one was home. He wanted me to help him make a movie (I do filmography). He told me God had plead with him not to give up on me and that Baba had also told him that I needed him in my life. He told me he had butterflies too when he saw me the night before. We talked about a lot of things and he told me things that made me feel very special. Before he left, he hugged me and it was a really long engulfing hug. As he was leaving, he told me he loved me and blew me a kiss. At that point, I knew our courtship had begun.

He came over the next day as well and we talked a lot more. We held hands and he kissed me on the cheek and the head. He came over yesterday morning before work while I was still laying in bed and just visited with me for a little bit. Then, last night, we drove to the beach and it was literally one of the best experiences of my life. We had dinner together at a chinese restaurant. We talked about so much, about our feelings, about our pasts, about Natalie and how I feel about her, about Rebecca, about the future, so many things. We held hands and hugged, and I sang hymns for him and told him some of my conversion story.

There have a been a lot of things happen that have confirmed to me that Andrew is not a liar, he is not trying to deceive anyone, nor is he being deceived, and that this whole situation is not wrong. So many times I'll be thinking something and he will bring it up. It's like he always knows what to say. And there are so many things in my life, mysteries I've always wondered about, that are starting to fall into place and make sense. Like for instance, I've always felt this connection to Irish music in my soul. It's not just that I like the music, it's that when I listen to it, I feel transported to another realm not of this earth. I've always thought that was weird and wondered why that was the case. I found out last night Andrew is Irish and he wants to live in Ireland. He says he feels the same way about Irish music, that it makes him weep sometime because he misses this place that he's never even been to. We listened to Irish music on our long drive home while he stroked my hair and my face, and it was simply and utterly heavenly.

I'm attracted to him, even though he is in his forties. I love his smile and his eyes and his hands and how strong he is. Most of all, I love the way he smells. These are all my favorite things about a man, the things that, combined, produce the perfect man I've always dreamt of. It's like God made him with these things so I would be attracted to him even though he's so much older than I am. I'm attracted to who he is. It's not that I am sexually attracted to him, I mean there is sexual attraction, but it's so completely different from anything I have ever felt for anyone. It's that I am to be his wife, and that is enough to make me delirious when I think of him. I feel like our love is sacred, and separate. My attraction to his is such as well. It's like I was programmed for him.

Andrew asked Natalie and Rebecca if they would open their hearts to me and let me come over every Monday night for FHE. They said they would. Rebecca and I went to lunch today so we could talk and get to know each other. She asked me how I was doing with the church and I told her. She was so kind and loving, and I feel like things are finally starting to work out. She essentially welcomed me into her home. Natalie texted me and told me she loves me and misses me and is praying for me.

None of this feels wrong, especially after seeing Rebecca today, who was the final missing piece in all of this. I'm just going with the flow. Before, as much as I loved the attention from Andrew, I still couldn't bring myself to even consider the church. But at this point I think I could do it. I still don't believe in it or have the desire to follow the Savior, but I'm closer than I was and making progress, and that's all that counts. Rebecca told me that when she actually takes time to think about her husband having other wives and what the future will specifically mean and the implications of that, she feels nauseous. I told her that when I think of specifically joining the church again and the implications of that, I feel nauseous too. It's cool to know she and I are in the same boat, just about different things. We will both take one step at a time, and eventually we will be where we need to.

The beginning of the beginning

2009-10-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here. I'm going to call his place "Springfield." I'm living with Natalie's family, the Cramers. I had first gotten a ride home to the place I've been living for the past three years. On the way home, I could feel the love of the Adlers (Andrew's family) and the Cramers, and as I thought of them thinking of me and waiting for me, I could feel the power of family starting to work its magic. I felt really happy, safe, and excited, and I also felt so strong that I could come back to the church. It was such a good thing.

But then that Sunday night, Baba called me and told me that I would need to live the standards of the church while I was in his home and that he would like me to seriously study and pray about what the truth is and consider coming back to the church. I was lectured by mostly Rebecca on how I needed to let go of my pride, and start treating Natalie with respect (I'd pretty much blown up at her the other day). They all told me that this situation was on their terms and not mine. Basically it completely turned me off and scared me away. I had no desire from that point to live the standards or to even give all their bull shit a chance. But I felt kind of stuck because I had no where to go at that point (I'd been asked to move out) and it was a free place to stay in a city I wanted to be, near a school I wanted to go to. So I decided to do it any way, but with a hardened and indignant heart.

I arrived Monday night, and now when I am with the family, it's as if I've never been parted from them. Natalie arrived the next day (she received a commandment to drop out of school.) She moved over to the Adlers and is staying there, but we got to see each other briefly before then and she told me that I probably wouldn't be going over there because they were not happy with me and it wouldn't be good for me to be in their home if it's going to be awkward and probably have a bad affect on me. I was crushed by this. I came here with the expectation that I would be over there a lot and working with them. And to know that they were even struggling to find love for me caused me to put up a huge wall and consider just throwing in the towel and not even bothering to try anymore.

For the first week, I felt like was getting farther and farther away from the church, and wanting to be in it. When I prayed, or read the scriptures, or went to church, or encountered any kind of church doctrine, it just made me want to leave even more. Sunday morning, I told Natalie that I had made my decision. I would leave the church. I would get an apartment somewhere here in Springfield and go to school and work. Hopefully find a companion of some sort and start my new life free of the trap of mormonism.

But then Sunday night I saw Andrew. And since that is going to be a very long post, I will stop here and continue in a second post.

...the rest is silence.

2009-10-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

*If you haven't read all of my posts up to now, to get a full appreciation for this post, I would suggest doing so.

It looks like I will be continuing this blog after all.

Andrew and Rebecca asked me to stay in the church. Not only that, but Rebecca prayed about me being Andrew's wife, and she said she knew it was true. She practically begged me to accept being in her family and to stay in the church, with the help of her and her husband. This is a huge deal because Rebecca has hated this principle with all her heart. It is so hard for her. So for HER to be the one to say these things means so much. Andrew asked me to just give them a year. A year to get back on my feet, try to gain a testimony of gospel principles, to be loved and nurtured and taught by them. And if, after a year, I still don't believe, I can let it go. I was pretty wishy washy in giving them a response because

1. I'm almost positive I will not come back to the church. I know anything is possible, and if there's anything I've learned through all of this it's to expect nothing. Anything could happen. But, I've seen the pattern in my life these past three years I've been in the church, and I know where I'm headed: apostasy. I don't want to let them down. It's not a risk worth taking.

2. I cannot see myself sitting through church day after day, saying prayers I don't believe in, reading scriptures I am opposed to.

3. A year is a freaking long time. I cannot make that kind of commitment.

They told me that the risk IS worth taking and I will be letting them down by NOT taking them up on the offer. So I reluctantly agreed. But then the next day, I woke up and I was pissed off that they had talked me into it. WHY would I continue to live standards I don't believe in, and try to be apart of a religion I just don't accept?! It's pure stupidity! I shouldn't have to! I refuse! So I decided I was just going back to my original plan of getting an apartment somewhere and living my own life without all of this, and them.

Then that day, Natalie's dad (I call him Baba) called me and offered for me to come live with his family. Um. Wow. Seriously? Is this some sick joke God is playing on me? The irony is absolutely nauseating. This would have been really fucking great a year ago. That's what I've wanted for so long. It's too late now. Now, it's so meaningless. So utterly hollow and void. I don't want their family and all the bullshit about church that comes with it. All my dreams are coming true, but they aren't my dreams anymore. I am left not knowing what my dreams are and what I even want out of life.

I explained to Baba how I'd changed, and the lifestyle I was living. I told him that I was not planning on changing this. He was kind about it and told me that while he might not like what I am doing, he will respect it and leave my choices up to me. He would like me to go to church and live the standards, but he won't force me.

So I'm going to do it. They live in my favorite city in the world, where I can go to school at my favorite school in the world. I will have somewhere free to live, and a family with whom I can be open and honest, and I can live the life I want.

I called Natalie yesterday and she was really mad about both me coming to live with her family and me being apart of Andrew's family. This severely turned me off to the whole situation and made me want to run from it like mad. I thought all of this would bring us closer together, but instead it is driving us apart. Before I knew about any of this, she would tell me all the time that she wanted us to be together forever, in the same family, married to the same man. And now that it's actually happening, she hates it. It pisses me off.

I hate this. It's bringing everyone pain and it's stupid. I have cried so much in the last four days, it's ridiculous. Everyone is doing it because they believe in it...but me? I don't believe in any of this shit.

But it doesn't change anything. I'm doing this, if for no other reason, than because of the immortal words that ring in my head: "Never refuse an experience."

It is what it is.

2009-10-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

I just got expelled from school. The honor code office found out about my excursions last summer, and kicked me out. This happened yesterday.

I was bummed at first, but I've been thinking a lot about it. Rebecca and Andrew called me last night and we had a nice three hour long talk. Basically this is what they said:

1. If I leave the church, I will be miserable.
2. I will end up being a porn star, because is what people do when they leave the church (this was not an exaggerated hypothetical...they really think this will happen).
3. I will sleep around with everyone that will have me.
4. I will never get married, and even if I do, I will hate it.
5. I will get older and realize I've wasted my life.
6. I have a testimony, and I know I have a testimony, and because of that, I will always know that what I'm doing is wrong, the lifestyle I'm living is wrong, and I will never be happy.
6. I either need to decide NOW that I'm going to stay in the church, and make a plan for how I'm going to get back on track, or decide that I'm leaving the church, and stop pretending to be someone I'm not.

That being said, I've decided to leave. Once I actually made that decision, I felt really good. I've been kind of saying an open prayer to God all day and this is what feels right. I'm going to be honest with everyone about what I've really been doing, and what I really believe. I'm going to come clean. I'm going to move out of the house I live in, and move somewhere more liberal, and transfer to a different school. I'm not going to sleep around anymore, and I will still follow a moral code. It's not like I'm throwing all goodness out the window.

So as far as this whole polygamy thing...I dunno. I guess it's over. I will still update this blog, but I guess it will be more about just me as a person. I haven't really decided yet.

I went around today and took pictures of the campus. I will miss this place. It's a good school, and a good religion. I am not angry at the church, nor am I anti-mormon. I will still stand up for it when people say it is a cult. Because now I have been on the other side. I use to think those things too, and now I know the church inside and out. I've seen the beautiful things it has done in peoples' lives and in the world. I just don't think it's true.

Natalie and I had sushi last night and said goodbye. Leaving her will be the hardest.

Wow I have readers!!

2009-10-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much to all who have commented and subscribed. I haven't been on in a while, because for a long time I ran from all of this. I wanted to forget it all. It made me nauseous to even think about it. Let me try to explain myself.

Last summer, after the email from Andrew, I went off the deep end. And by that, I mean that I left the church, and completely rejected the idea of polygamy, both in a religious and non religious sense. I also ended up doing a lot of things contrary to the church, such as drugs and alcohol and sleeping around. When I say I did these things, I don't mean to say that they became addictions or got in the way of my life. I chose to do these things and I don't regret it. It was a really, really good summer and I felt happy.

However, I am Mormon, and I go to a church school. In order to stay at this school, I must obey the honor code, which explicitly bans these things. I do not want to be kicked out because 1. I still want to go here for the time being and 2. Even if I decide to transfer, which I am considering, I want to leave on good terms so my credits transfer and I don't look bad to other universities. So, in a nutshell, I am back to living the standards of the Mormon church so I can be at school.

As far as the plural marriage situation. I have news. Big news. When Natalie was home, she and Andrew and Rebecca worked things out and Rebecca came around. She now accepts it, and she and Natalie are getting along. Andrew also told his wife about me. He emailed me a few weeks ago, just to see how I was doing, and we had been corresponding for a while when I got a message from Rebecca telling me that she knew everything and wanted to work with me. She and Andrew knew that I had fallen away from the church (because I told Natalie) and she wants to help me get back on track. So basically, I am not guaranteed a spot in the family like Natalie is, but that is what we are working towards. Everyone has made it quite clear that this is all based on my worthiness and Rebecca's approval since she is the first wife.

I would like to reiterate something. I am doing this for religious reasons. Please don't judge me for this. If you don't agree with that, then I'm going to be frank: go away. I will delete any negative comments about this. I don't care what you think. You have no idea the feelings I have felt and the experiences I have had regarding this whole thing. This is between God and I and the family. Also, I am not FLDS. I know it really sounds like I am and I can understand the confusion this might cause. I am a member of the mainstream Mormon church who believes that (assuming the church is true...which, I don't know if it is, but more on that later...) polygamy will be brought back one day. Also, please don't argue with me about this. If you don't feel this is the case, that's fine, but I don't want to hear about it. So we are NOT practicing polygamy right now. Yes we are talking about it, and we would most likely get in trouble for this if our church leaders found out (which is why I'm remaining anonymous and changing all names) but there is NO romantic relationship between Andrew and Natalie nor Andrew and I. Andrew is faithful to his wife and has not broken any temple covenants.

Now onto something else serious. I consider myself gay. I have been attracted to men before, but on the kinsey scale, I'd say I'm a 4.5 or 5. I guess that's considered "bisexual" but I say gay because if I were to have a monogamous relationship, I would want to be with a girl. Yes, I am in love with Natalie. I have been for over a year. She was in love with me, but says she has since gotten over me. She and I have never done anything physical together. I didn't mention any of this at first because I didn't feel it was relevant. If I do this whole polygamy thing, it will not be because of Natalie; but because I feel it's what God wants. Even if Natalie weren't involved, I would still do it. I am bringing this up only because there have been questions if I am bisexual. So there you have it.

Now, about the whole believing in the church thing: I don't believe in it anymore. I want to, but I just don't. There are so many things about the church I don't agree with. The first and foremost is the church's stance on homosexuality. I understand, logically, why the church is against homosexuality. I get the reasons. But it just doesn't sit well with me. I have prayed for three years to know for myself that what the church teaches on this is true, to gain a personal testimony of it and it has never come. I conclude that there is nothing wrong with it. There are countless other things, but I won't go into it right now.

So what do I believe in? No idea. I'm pretty sure I believe in God. I believe that no religion is completely false and none completely true, at least universally. I do believe that certain people need and just "fit" into certain religions, and some don't fit into any. And I believe that if people stay true to what they believe, they will be fine in the end. And as far as how this fits into the plural marriage situation, I personally will not seek after a polygamous relationship if I decide to stay out of the church and thus not join Andrew's family. I will seek a monogamous relationship with a woman. However, I have a level of appreciation for polygamy (as much as I can without having actually practiced it) and will fight to my death the right for people to practice it and for the legalization of it. I think it's a beautiful thing and if that is what's right for you, then DO IT. Maybe one day I will change my mind and enter into this kind of relationship, but for now it's not what I want. Like I said, I will only do it if it's what God wants.

I've also been criticized for letting myself "be forced" into plural marriage. This is not the case. If I really did not want to do it, I wouldn't. Rebecca did not accept it for a long time and Andrew never pushed her. She came around on her own because she believes in it, not because she was coerced into it. We all have a choice. I have agency (agency, in the church uses it means free will). I will not be condemned by Andrew or anyone else for not doing. He has never told me I have to, or I will be punished for not doing it.

This all probably sounds weird. I probably sound like a hypocrite, or contradictory. It's like, either you believe God wants you to do it, or not, right? Well, somehow, all I know is that by accepting the Mormon church, I know that what I need to do is enter into this relationship with this family. And if I'm not Mormon, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want.

Thanks again to everyone, and I will try to update this as much as possible. I'm back at school and swamped with homework. :/

Agency sucks sometimes.

2009-05-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

I received a very nice email from a man who said that he and his wife too are LDS and both
have testimonies of the Principle, but are living the teachings of the Church. It was such
a comfort to receive that message and know that I'm not alone. If there are any others like
that, please come forth if you feel comfortable. I want to know who you are.

Yesterday I sent an email to Andrew telling him everything (he didn't know anything about
the revelation I'd received). He wrote me back and was kind, but he said that Rebecca was
just vehemently opposed to it and there was nothing to be done until she accepted it, and
until the Church brought it back. He said there was no sense in thinking or worrying about
it now since we can't do anything about it anyway. Plus he said that Natalie was supposed
to be the second wife and if she won't do it, then he's not sure how it will work out. He
said that last summer was supposed to be a special time in Natalie and Rebecca's lives where
they could really bond, be healed from their past experiences, and Rebecca would finally
come to embrace polygamy. But because I came and was so outspoken against it, he said I
ruined everything. And now it's too late. There's no going back.

Then Natalie called me and she was crying because her dad confronted her about the email I
sent. I didn't realize I would be bringing her into it, but because she is my best friend
and used to be involved in all of this, I guess I did. Anyway she said that all the old
familiar feelings came flooding back and she was just so sad that Rebecca wouldn't accept
it and that the Church still doesn't allow it. She's frustrated that she has to make a
choice and she's so scared that things won't work out with Derek and she'll have to break
up with him again and it will be miserable for her. I feel horrible for what I've done. I
never meant for all of this to happen. I just wasn't ready to receive any of these things
and others suffered because of it.

Then, my Kyle, the man I'm in love with, comes home in June from his mission and I'm
terrified of what might happen with that. I'm so scared that he will still be in love with
me and I will be in the same position Natalie is in- having to choose between Kyle and
Andrew. And then if I choose Andrew I'm going to have to wait I don't know how many years
until plural marriage is brought back and then what if Rebecca still doesn't accept it and
I'm never married because of the choice I made? And after all of this, what if it just
turns out I'm deceived?

Then, to top it all, I'm really wavering in the Church right now. I have testimony and I
do know it's true, but for some reason I've lost all desire to do what's right. I had
plans to start my mission papers, but now I would feel too guilty going on a mission when
I know I'm not living as righteously as I should. I've been so rebellious lately, even
considering leaving the Church and moving to Arizona to live in an FLDS community and just
practice plural marriage on my own because I really, really, really want to live this
principle.

Anyway. I'll keep this updated as much as possible. To my readers, thank you for reading.
I'm sorry I'm such a spaz.

Waiting is my lot in life.

2009-04-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

I logged in today and saw that I have two followers. Hi! I'm sorry to not have posted in so long, but there really is nothing to say! Nothing has changed and I'm just biding my time until I can return to the city where Natalie lives (I live far away from her) so I can sort everything out. There is going to be a lot of waiting involved in this process, I better get used to it.

I wrote an email to Andrew out, but I haven't sent it yet. I was sitting in stake conference a while ago and I felt very strongly that I need to talk to Andrew about this and be honest with him. But I am really scared. So I'm saving it until I finally give in and send it.

I am still active in my church, but lately I have been wanting to practice polygamy so bad that I'm considering moving to a community and just doing it. Is that horrible? Maybe even just practice it in secret and still go to church. I hate that the Church doesn't practice it anymore and that there's such a stigma about it. We are the ones who introduced it to the U.S.!! What is our problem?? Why isn't it taught anymore? It says in our own Church produced documents that we cannot be saved without the Principle. Why are we only taught that marriage between one man and one woman is sacred and ordained of God? What does that say about the marriages of those (including one of our very own apostles) who are participating in plural marriages right now?? It's just frustrating. I'm considering talking to my bishop about it, but what good would it do? I don't think anything is going to change my mind. Plural marriage is a higher way and I really think we should be practicing it and I don't want to be damned because I'm not. Period.

Anyway in other aspects, life is very good. I'm home for the summer, taking a lot of ballet classes, and I've really gotten into Big Love lately. It's not what I thought it was and I'm pleasantly surprised. Enjoying some white lilacs I picked the other day. Summer is on its way... :D

A Turn at Every Corner

2009-02-02T16:03:00.001-08:00

So Natalie came over on Friday night and we watched the Emma Smith movie. It wasn’t as good as I thought it would be and I actually liked the Joseph Smith movie that they had in the visitor centers much better. But it was still uplifting and inspiring and I’m glad I bought it.

I asked Natalie how she was feeling with regards to the Andrew and Rebecca situation. I couldn’t believe her response. She said she is in love with Dereck (her ex boyfriend) and she was going to marry him. She said that a friend of his had talked to her and she had prayed a lot and felt like she could make a choice and either way, God would not condemn her. She said she felt happier with the Dereck choice. She is still deciding and has not gotten back together with him, but I think we both know what she is going to do.

When she first told me this, I had to summon all the power I had to not into burst into tears. After all I’d been through the past few days that brought me closer to her, I felt so prepared and excited for our future. And there it was crashing down before me.

But as the night went on and we talked about it some more, I started to feel better about it. Then something occurred to me that hadn’t before: I only really know two things. 1. I will practice polygamy someday. 2. Natalie and I are going to be together forever. Based on that knowledge, that leaves a huge gap for the husband. It could be anyone. Would I marry Dereck? Sure, if it’s God’s will. So that is something I am now considering.

I do know that I will not go through with the marriage to Andrew and Rebecca if Natalie isn’t involved. It just isn’t right.

So for now…I guess I’m free. Not that I wasn’t free before. But for the first time in six months, I can date! I don’t have to turn away when I see a handsome fellah! It’s pretty neat. Who knows what will happen at this point. I am still studying and preparing for plural marriage. And still trying to strengthen my relationship with Natalie.

I’ve been really busy so if I don’t blog for a while, that is the only reason.

Currently

2009-01-29T22:56:00.000-08:00

This is my first actually current post! I'm in my fourth semester in school and it has been so hectic. Which isn't to say I don't love it. I thrive on being busy.

Natalie and I have not had much chance to see each other, with us both being so busy. Plus, she is not the type to call all the time and ask to hang out and I feel weird always being the one to do so, so I've left her alone for the most part.

The thing is, though, I feel like we should be spending a lot of time together. Bonding, you know? Well, anyway, so I invited her over tomorrow night to watch the new Emma Smith movie. We'll see how it goes. After all that's happened today, I started this blog, checked out some books on polygamy, chatted with some polygamists, and read some polygamist blogs, I feel so connected and close to her right now and I can't wait to give her a big hug tomorrow and just hold her, my dear future sister wife.

Beginning Part IV

2009-01-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

When Kyle left for his mission, he asked me to "write him a letter or two." There was no understanding between us. I had no idea how he felt about me when he left. I was still in love with him. But I had no intentions of waiting for him. While he was on his mission, I wrote him every week. I heard back from him occasionally, but he stopped writing me in February of the same semester that I received my commandment about Emma Smith.

While staying with the friend I mentioned in my last post, a week before school started, I felt like it was finally time to pray about Kyle and what was going to happen when he would return from his mission six months later. And so I prayed, and God let me know that nothing would happen between Kyle and I and that I should stop writing to him. It was then that I felt the words, "You will marry Andrew. You are to be his plural wife."

After all I'd been through, this did not scare me so much as it thrilled me. I was so happy. I couldn't wait to talk to Andrew and his wife and Natalie and share in the joy of it all. I was ready to be different, I was ready to be elect, I was ready to be strong. I soaked it all in. I bought a gold band that I now wear on my ring finger, just like Natalie, and I resolved to stop dating. When I left for school, at first, my calling was all I could think about and I was filled with joy at the thought of it. When I had bad days, that was what kept me going. Over time, though, this euphoria wore off and I began to be very very scared. I would see pictures of Andrew on my computer and I would get this sick feeling in my stomach. After a while I just tried not to think about it.

Then I noticed on Natalie's facebook that she had a boyfriend. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has freaked out about anything as much as I freaked out about that. What on earth was going on!?!?! What was I to do?!? I had no idea what to do or where to go in my life. I could not talk to Natalie about it because we hadn't spoken in months and I knew it would just strain things more between us. I had tried talking Andrew previously and for some reason, he wasn't returning my messages or emails. Natalie's family refused me when I asked to stay for Christmas. No one would talk to me about anything. I felt very alone, confused, and frustrated. But I felt peace from God that all would be well if I just waited it out.

So I did. I forgot about the whole calling thing altogether and just went about my life, being a student, trying to have a normal life, having fun and reaching goals. Natalie talked to me a little on chat when I went home for Christmas break.

When I came back to school, Natalie was in one of my classes and we got to talking. She and I walked to her apartment and she explained to me that she just needed a break. Anyway, after just a few minutes we were back to normal and better than ever and it really looked like we could salvage our friendship after all.

She told me about her boyfriend and how she and Andrew were having major troubles after I left and he finally just told her to forget the whole thing, that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Also that Rebecca was really struggling with it. She called Natalie during that semester and told her she didn't want Natalie in their lives anymore, not to call, or message, or anything, but just to leave her alone. Then a month or so later, she had called just to say that they could still be friends, but she still wanted to bin the whole polygamy thing and that she had been happier than ever now that it was out of her life.

Anyway, so Natalie met this guy and started dating him and they were very serious and looking to get married. It was at this point that I jokingly mentioned how God had told me to marry Andrew. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but Natalie freaked out and changed gears all of a sudden. A few days later, I received a strong conviction again that it was right. And a few days after that, Natalie broke up with her boyfriend. She said she wasn't sure what she was doing at that point, but just going on a mission and then seeing what would happen. She spent the night that night and we had a good long talk about everything and she opened up to me and confided in me. I got to ask her questions and get advice and it was truly beautiful and holy.

As it stands now, I am going through with it. I do not know when I will tell Andrew and Rebecca or what will happen with them. I do not know if I will be living with Natalie again, although I'd really like to. I do not know what Natalie is going to do, other than go on a mission. But I do know that I have been given this commandment and I intend on preparing for it as much as possible before the time arrives. May God help me, and us all.

Beginning Part III

2009-01-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

So I went to live with Natalie. As soon as I got there, she introduced me to Andrew and Rebecca, but didn't tell me of her special relationship with them. I got a really good feeling from them when I walked in their home and instantly liked them. I couldn't wait to go back.

That's when it hit me. Natalie was going to practice polygamy with them. I'm not sure how I knew this, it just came to me. Natalie wore a wedding ring, she was opposed to dating, she was obsessed with polygamy, all the talk of being sister wives, etc, it all pointed straight to that. The way she and Andrew looked at each other...I just knew it. Natalie had also mentioned to me that she was in love with someone, but she wouldn't tell me who. Now I knew. I knew it. Well, I wanted to be sure, so I did something really bad.

I read Natalie's journal. And sure enough, there it was. Her commandment to marry Andrew.

I. WAS. HORRIFIED. Imagine knowing someone, or thinking that you know them, you are so close and then you realize: you don't know them at all. There has been this HUGE secret kept from you and you had no idea. And your world shatters. Not only can you not see this person the same anymore, but you can't see your world the same anymore. It is terrifying. I was disgusted. Even though I'd come a long way since the Kyle situation, it is different when you are facing it in real life with a good friend. I was sure she was being deceived. How could this be true?

But I tried praying for her, and I don't know how to explain it other than, it just didn't work. I would pray to Heavenly Father that she wouldn't be deceived, but it didn't feel right. It was like there was this blockage between me and God because I wasn't praying for the right thing.

The truth was, deep down, I knew it wasn't wrong.

And that scared me. To death.

How could God command something like this? How could polygamy be brought back in the Church? If it were brought back, would I have to practice it? Would I be strong enough for that? What if I weren't and I left the Church? And the thought of Natalie having to do something like just filled me with disgust and contempt. The thought of her marrying that awful man Andrew....ugh!!!! I hated him so much!!

I told her that I knew, but I didn't tell her I read her journal. She was devastated and freaked out. To her, this was something so incredibly sacred and divine and there I was trampling it like a jerk. In retrospect, I understand exactly how she felt. At the time, I had no idea. I just knew that I wished I'd never come to live with her; I wished I'd never met Andrew and Rebecca, I wish I'd never found out. It was a very dark time for me because I was struggling with what was right and wrong, possible leaving the Church, not knowing who I could go to because I would be betraying Natalie's privacy if I talked to anyone else about it, but she didn't want to talk about it and besides I didn't want to talk to her about it! I wanted to talk to someone who had nothing to do with it, to tell me I was just being deceived and this was all so, so completely wrong.

I didn't go to anyone about it except for my branch president and I kept everyone's identity anonymous. Surprisingly, even though he told me what I wanted to hear, that they were all being deceived, I left that meeting feeling worse than when I'd gone in. I knew it was right. I KNEW.

A few days later, I was home alone and Andrew came by to drop off something for Natalie's family. Out on the porch he started asking me friendly questions about my religious background and my conversion story and we had a very long spiritual conversation. At the beginning of it, I was filled with contention and feelings of hatred for the man I thought of as a pig, but by the end of it, I admired him and longed to talk to him more. His wife kept calling over and over again and it seemed she wasn't happy he was taking so long. She finally showed up and forced him to end the conversation and go home.

I was so torn.

The rest of the summer, we didn't really talk about it. We went over to their house a lot and helped out with all their kids and it was wonderful each time to be there, and I felt so full, but at the same time so scared. Towards the end of the summer, I started to feel really uneasy about going over there and stopped going completely. Natalie and I had been fighting a lot as well and I was pretty sure I had lost a friend. I didn't think I'd see either of them again.

When I moved out, I lived with a different friend for a week before going back to school. And it was then and there that I received the revelation that I, too, would marry Andrew.

Part IV

Beginning Part II

2009-01-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

My next exposure to polygamy came a year and a half later while I was at college. Kyle and I broke up while he was at BYU and I stayed home. He is on his mission now. More on him later.

While I was in my second semester at the college I'm attending, I felt really inspired to learn more about Emma Smith and to gather all the information I could about her and then emulate her. As I was doing this I was praying about it one time I just asked, "Why am I supposed to learn so much about her?" And God told me it was because I would live the kind of life she did.

While learning about Emma, reading books and biographies about her, polygamy was of course always at the back of my mind. I knew that she had severe trouble with it, constantly going back and forth on her acceptance of it. I remember thinking how terribly difficult it must have been for her to know that her husband was doing what he was doing, always paranoid and watching other women with a wary eye, always jealous. I thanked God I didn't and wouldn't ever have to practice it in this life.

But there was something else in me, something that almost longed for it. This sort of sick fascination that was developing inside of me. I eventually found myself in support of polygamy as it was commanded by God and directed by the Church. My roommates hated it and tried to avoid the subject when I brought it up.

This was the semester I met Natalie. The first time I saw her I knew there was something special about her. I didn't know what it was, but I did know that I'd known her before. I felt like she was a long lost friend that I'd finally found again. Later, I came to realize that we were friends, in the pre-mortal existence. Natalie was the first person I'd met who was just as gung ho about polygamy as I was. She had a book on it and had studied it as well. And I thought that was all there was to it.

Natalie and I grew very close and when I went home for the summer, we chatted quite frequently. She kept mentioning things like "Felicity, I want us to be together forever. We should marry the same man." She said it in a way that she knew I would think she wasn't serious. But it really struck me. I did want to marry the same man. And there was this part of me that was sure it would be possible some day. I didn't officially receive revelation, but I too had a feeling that Natalie and I should be together forever.

She invited me to live with her for the summer. And that is where I will end part II.

Part III

Beginning Part I

2009-01-29T15:37:00.001-08:00

My first exposure to polygamy was when I joined the Church. I was 18 years old and dating this wonderful guy named Kyle. Kyle was a very upright, valiant, laid-back, funny guy who was preparing for a mission at the time. We had been dating for about two months, and by this time were discussing getting married when he returned from his mission, and I half jokingly mentioned to him that if I ever died, I didn't want him to get resealed to another woman. I thought that he would tell me of course he would never do that, but he paused and then said "I can't promise you anything." He then went on to explain that it wouldn't be right to deny the woman he married the priesthood. I was horrified.

The thing is...in some ways polygamy in and of itself makes no sense to me. I do not understand why it is such a great, glorious, eternal principle. But when I try to justify my reasons for hating it, I can't. There are no justifiable reasons for disliking the practice. The only real reason I could come up with was that it made me jealous. Of course I don't want to share my husband with anyone in eternity and if I am alive, I don't want my husband sleeping with anyone else! Jealousy is not a good enough reason to refuse to practice polygamy. But it is the only reason I can come up with.

I shunned Kyle for a while. One day while I was at work, I pondered the situation in depth. I rolled it around and around in my mind until there just wasn't anything to think about it anymore. At the beginning of the day, I was ready to not only break up with Kyle, but bash his head in. By the end of the day, I accepted it. It was like an invisible switch was flipped and I found myself filled with love for Kyle and support for him to do what he knew was right. I had no idea where this feeling was coming from, but it was there.

The next day, I went over to his house and told him what had happened. When I had finished the story, Kyle gasped and told me that he had been fasting for me. He told me he had ended it about 9:00 that night, which was when my emotions changed. I not only gained a testimony in polygamy but also in fasting. How marvelous was this occurrence.

Part II here

No title

2009-01-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

This blog is going to chronicle the journey I have taken and will take on my road to becoming a polygamist.

I'll give you a little background: I am 2o years old and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would first like to make it clear that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not practice polygamy here on the Earth today. The Church did practice it in its earlier years, in the 19th century, but now anyone wanting to join the Church must not be in a polygamous relationship and members who enter into one are excommunicated, which is the most severe punishment the Church can give. Groups like the FLDS, while they claim to be affiliated with our Church, in reality are not. They claim to believe what we believe, but they contradict themselves because currently the Church teaches that polygamy should not currently be practiced on the Earth. I say on the Earth because it is still practiced in heaven. A living man who is sealed to a woman who dies, can be sealed to another woman.

So what, then, is this blog about? This: I have received revelation from God that I am to enter into a polygamous relationship some time in the future. I would never ever practice it unless it was brought back into the Church, because I feel that that would be wrong. Therefore, because I know one day I will practice it, I know the Church will bring it back on the Earth. I have no idea why or when it will be brought back. I only know that it will be.

The man I am to marry is named Andrew. He is currently married to a woman named Rebecca. They have a few children together. There is another girl who is going to marry us as well, a close friend of mine named Natalie. Currently, Natalie is the only one on earth who knows of the commandment I have been given. Natalie has told a few people about her situation, her father, two of her sisters (who all approve of it) And Andrew and Rebecca know of the calling. I have not told Andrew and Rebecca yet of my commandment. The only way they could know right now is if they've received their own revelation of it.

I am making this blog in the hopes that it is found by people. I want it to be read. I want to share this story with the world. I highly doubt anyone I actually know will read it. Feel free to leave comments, even if you disagree and think I'm crazy. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. If you are a polygamist yourself, or have studied it, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I just want to anonymously connect with others about this very special part of my life that I feel so unable to share with those I associate with face to face.

I will back up quite a bit and share all the information I remember about how this story unfolded, how I found out about Natalie's situation and then later realized my story would be quite similar. And then when I've caught up, I will continue this as often as I can, sharing my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my discoveries, and, hopefully, my triumphs.